Reckoning
by Dr. Robin
Summary: Carter has called Robin from the Congo and needs her help before he comes home, which changes her life and may even end it. Story has TWO ENDINGS! Chapters 18 through 21 now up! SECOND ENDING!
1. Chapters 1 through 3

**-Part 1-**

"**Letters from the Lost Days"**

** December 8 **

"What is that?" Abby asks, writing on a patient's chart.

Sam, coming from the lounge, drags her son down the hallway and toward admit. They both stop and she looks at Abby, looking very annoyed, "I found that guy's missing middle finger! I'll leave it up to _you_ to guess who _had_ it," and she looks down at Alex angrily. Sam then takes him over to a chair behind the desk and sits him down. "_Sit_ you ass down and _don't_ move until I tell you to. You've already pissed me off, and you do _not_ want to make it worse. _Believe_ me," she scolds and walks over next to Abby. Sam spots Malik walking by and shouts, "Malik! Can you take this guy's finger?"

"You _found_ it?"

"Yeah, finally!" she says.

Malik laughs to himself as he walks off with the small plastic bag filled with ice––and the man's severed middle finger.

"D'you just start your shift?" Sam asks Abby, as she notices her lab coat.

"Yeah," she says.

Pratt, Neela, Susan, and Luka come to join them.

As they start to chat, Alex interrupts them, "Hey, cool! Someone's faxing you something."

Susan moves over to the fax machine, and they all begin to talk again. She grabs the piece of paper and reads over it; then, sees the name at the bottom. "Guys, we got a letter," she smiles.

"Who's it from?" Neela questions as everyone quiets down.

"Robin," she smiles and turns around to face them.

"Read it to us," Pratt says.

Susan looks at the letter, pausing for a moment, "No."

They all appear confused, not really knowing what to think. Neela asks, "Why not?"

Susan stays quiet and suddenly looks up at Abby. A smile grows on her face, and she says warmly, "I think Abby should read this one."

Abby grins, and then takes the paper in her hands

Elizabeth has come down from surgery, and she joins everyone at the desk. "What's going on?"

"Robin sent us a letter," Luka tells her.

She smiles and leans against the desk, "Alright, let's hear it."

Sighing, Abby looks down at Robin's handwriting––neat, but at the same time, messy like chicken scratch. Abby laughs to herself, and she begins:

"'_Dear ER gang,_

_I'm sitting here in Paris, France, of all places, and believe it or not, I'm already bored off my ass!"_

Abby giggles, as does everyone else, and she comments, "That sounds like Robin!" As the laughter dies down a little, she continues.

'_Now that I think of it, that's pretty obvious––given that I'm sitting in an airport waiting on my second flight that's been delayed for half-an-hour!_

'_But, even in all the chaos going on around me, the only question that keeps running through my mind is, 'Hey...wonder who's workin' tonight?' I can't seem to stop worrying about you all.._

'_Now__, as you might've guessed, I'm gonna start gettin' mushy...but please, bear with me here..._

'_You are the most amazing group of people I've ever known and had the pleasure of working with. We've had some rough times; but, luckily, we've muddled through the rain and gotten to see the better days. To me, you're more than just my co-workers. You're my friends...my second family. I appreciate everything you've done for me over the past eleven years, and I want to thank __each__ and __every__ one of you for putting up with. me–– especially this year in general, and with all that's been going on. You deserve so much more than you think...you __all__ do.'_

Everyone grins at Abby's sincerity and the way she reads the letter. The subtlety of her demeanor and the softness in her voice as she reads the heartfelt words says so much. Her eyes lighten as she reads on.

'_You all know that something's happened to me that's hard to explain and I'm not the person I used to be anymore––I'm broken inside. But, hopefully, I still have at least one or two good qualities left in me. I'm not quite sure what those qualities would be, so I'll leave that to your imaginations.'_

Abby stops and thinks for a moment. "I can think of _more_ than a few, how 'bout you?" she asks. They all agree with her, nodding their heads and mumbling their answers.

"Mm-hmm."

"Yeah."

Abby continues on.

'_Whether you read this out loud or not, I want you all to know that if something happens to me while I'm gone, I'll always be with you. You have my word on that...I promise._

'_I miss you...and I love you all.._

_Love, __Robin'"_

Abby lets out an emotional sigh and smiles. Half of the staff that stands at the desk has tears in their eyes. For those who were there the day the ER got a letter from Dr. Mark Greene, two years ago, this is a familiar moment.

"Should we hang this one up somewhere, too?" Abby asks, still scanning the words with her eyes.

Sam answers, "Yeah, I think we should."

"But, before we _do_," Pratt says suddenly as he steps over to Abby and takes the letter, "I wanna do somethin'." He stands at one of the computers next to Alex and places the paper in the scanner; then, he starts printing out another copy of it. Pratt takes the papers and turns back around, handing the original back to Abby. "Here, _you_ keep this one," he says sympathetically, "we know how much she means to you."

Grins appear on everyone's faces at his thoughtful gesture, and they agree with him. Abby looks at the letter, then up at Pratt. "Thank you," she laughs, wiping a tear from her face.

After a moment, Elizabeth comments, "It's going to be a long December."

Silence falls among them, but is broken as two traumas come in. No one wants to leave, but they know they have to. Everyone leaves, except Abby. She takes both pieces of paper and walks up to the nurses' station next to the new security doors. Then, she gets some scotch tape and places the copy on the window. She smooths it out with her hand and tapes the bottom down with the other. Abby can't help but read it over and over again as she stands there.

Moments pass, then, Abby picks up Robin's letter and smiles. She backs away slowly and strolls down the hallway––reading her letter again.

_Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid._

John 14:27

* * *

**-Part 2-**

"**Into Africa"**

_All hope abandon, ye who enter here._

Dante's _Inferno_

** December 9 **

**(Kisangani, Democratic Republic of Congo)**

A small plane flies low over the tops of the palm trees as it prepares to land on the old, worn runway. Seconds later, the plane lands safely and starts to come to a stop.

Minutes go by, and the small door of the plane swings open. A man steps out: the one who met Robin in Kinshasa (the capital of the DRC). He helps Robin as she steps out into the scorching African heat––the air around her is electric and stifling. The man hands her luggage to her, and she puts the bags over her shoulders; and as the man grabs a box of medical supplies for the hospital and talks to the pilot, Robin walks away from the plane. She scans the surroundings of the vast foreign field through the dark lenses of her sunglasses; she is invigorated. The sunlight almost hurts. Beads of sweat decorate her face. Then, she fixes her eyes on someone a couple of yards away. A smile stretches across her face as she walks closer.

"Well, I'll be damned," she grins. "If it isn't John Carter."

He laughs and lifts his arms up beside him, "In the flesh!" They meet, kiss each other on the cheek—his scruffy beard scratches Robin's face—and hug each other for a few moments. They're so excited about reuniting after six months that they don't know the words to say to each other.

Carter holds her out in front of him at arm's length suddenly and tells her, "You haven't changed a bit!" even though he can see that she's aged considerably over the months—her face dark and tired for reasons he's not aware.

She laughs with him, "You haven't either, and I like your 'scruffy' look," and points to his hair, "but, man, you gotta get rid of the beard!"

"_What? _You don't like it?"

She stares at it for a second, then shakes her head, "Not really, no." Then, she decides to put her luggage in the back of the old, white Toyota SUV that's beside them.

"Oh, _come_ on," Carter smiles.

Robin puts her bags in the back and turns around, "Alright! It _does_ suit you better than it did a couple of years ago..." she pauses, "still, man, get rid of it."

"Alright, I give up," he says.

Then, the man who met Robin walks up to them with the supplies. "Are you two ready to go?" he asks.

"Yeah, Kahleem, I think we are," Carter answers. He looks over and sees Robin ambling slowly toward the plane, trying to see something. While they've been talking, two men have carried a stretcher from the vehicle and over to the plane.

As the men load it inside, Robin can't help but stare at what looks like a body laying on it––wrapped in a white sheet...but something's not quite right with it. It is misshapen. Her eyebrows buckle and she grows numb.

Carter walks up behind her and asks, "You alright?"

She doesn't give him a definite answer; but, instead, asks, "Carter, who's that?" Her tone is low and placid. Tranquil.

He doesn't want to tell her the truth, because he's afraid that he might frighten her; but, he decides to anyway. "He was a doctor from Italy."

Robin stands motionless and just keeps starting through her sunglasses. "How'd he die?" she asks blankly.

"Well," he hesitates, "about two weeks ago, he disappeared. Then, yesterday, we went to town and on the way back, someone threw a huge trash bag onto the road in front of us. They hadn't closed it very well...and an arm fell out of it. We got out and opened it..." he pauses, remembering the night. "He was _in_ it: dismembered and decapitated. They just threw everything into a bag and dumped it."

No change of emotion can be seen on her face. She just keeps her eyes on the murdered doctor as the two men close the plane's door and walk back to the vehicle. The plane starts down the runway and finally takes off. Robin hasn't even been on the ground for ten minutes, but she's already witnessed a tragedy. This thought haunts her as she watches the plane disappear over the palm trees.

"Come on," Carter says softly, "they're ready to go."

But, Robin doesn't move. Thoughts flow through her mind, one right after the other. Was he loved? How did his family and friends handle the news of his murder (that is, if he had any)? How will he be celebrated and remembered? Who's going to love him now that he's gone?

"Rob," Carter asks after a moment, "you alright?"

She still stares. "Yeah," she says sullenly.

He waits for her to say something else; finally, he asks her, "You gonna stand there all day or what?"

"No," she says blankly; then, turns her head to the side. "Just thinkin', that's all."

Carter nods, and then starts for the SUV.

Robin gives a quick glance back at him as he walks away; then, turns her focus back to the trees. She sighs and walks back to the vehicle.

She takes her seat next to Carter and shuts the door.

The driver shifts gears and they begin to move.

Robin just stares out the window––but, she decides not to think about what might happen to her. She feels at ease now, in the jungle of the Dark Continent: a place between Heaven and Hell. Nowhere.

_The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men do nothing._

Edmund Burke

Now, thirty minutes later, the sun is now beginning to set and its soft orange light touches every palm tree and every mound of dry dirt. But, gray rain clouds engulf the sun and the light is no more. Soon after, the rain begins to fall in large drops––drenching the ground within seconds. It casts a spell of serenity throughout the gray-green world—curtains of green mass everywhere the eye can see.

The old Toyota drives up to the side of the hospital––which has fallen into disrepair; vines slither up the crumbling outer walls––and the doors swing open. Everyone jumps out and retrieves their things from the back of the vehicle. Kahleem, the two men, and Carter carry the medical supplies in through the back door.

In a scene similar to Carter's first real glimpse at the Congo, Robin quickly puts her luggage over her shoulders and walks toward the front of the building. She sees a large canopy set up at the very front; and as she gets closer, more and more people seem to appear from around the corner. She stops when she gets to the side of the makeshift shelter––able to see everyone under it. Her eyes are filled with shock and her brows sink as she looks upon the disease, malnutrition, and misery that has ravaged these villagers in this war-torn country. At least fifty people fight for a place to rest under the canopy––maybe even more, counting the children. Most of them are alive, but they have the appearance of corpses. Their skin is dry, tight, and drawn––she can see the bones protruding out from under their skin, because their muscles have deteriorated due to malaria, polio, cholera, and AIDS. She's unaccustomed to this. But this isn't even the worst of it.

_How are they brought into desolation, as in a moment! they are utterly consumed by terrors._

Psalm 73:19

Robin feels something tugging on her pant leg, and she looks down to see a small boy––no older than two or three––staring up at her with big, sad eyes. She grins at him, even though she's still in shock. As she continues to stand out in the pouring rain, the child moves back under the shelter.

He turns and stands, as if he wants her to follow him.

Robin's not quite sure what to do; then, he motions with his hand for her to come with him. Slightly confused, she begins to go behind him; but, as he easily moves through the crowd, she has some trouble––her luggage slows her down. "Excusez-moi, pardon (Excuse me, sorry)," she says, repeating herself over and over again. "Merci (Thank you)." She makes her way over to the middle of the crowd where the boy stands. She kneels down next to him, as he points to a woman leaning against one of the wooden poles used to hold up the large tarp overhead. Looking over at the boy, she asks him, "Tu t'appelles comment (What's your name)?"

"Taki," he says in a voice that breaks Robin's heart.

She smiles at him, "Je m'appelle Robin, je suis une docteur (My name is Robin, I'm a doctor)."

The boy is beginning to trust her, but he says nothing.

She continues, "C'est ton mPre (Is this your mother)?"

He nods.

She smiles again when she notices the hurt in his eyes, and then turns her attention to the woman.

Taki's mother appears to be sleeping, so Robin gently shakes her shoulder, "Bonjour, madame." She shakes her again, then asks, "Madame?" She feels for a pulse; there is none.

The woman is dead.

Her heart sinks and she takes her fingers away from the woman's neck.

Taki can sense something is wrong and he begins to sob.

Robin looks at him with concern, and he puts his arms around her neck. She stares at the ground, and then closes her eyes––comforting him as he cries into her rain-soaked T-shirt. After a moment, Robin picks Taki up––along with her luggage, which is still around her shoulders––and just stands in the middle of the chaos. Rain still drips from her hair; it streams down her face and runs down her arms.

The rain beats down on the canopy as she stands amid the crowd––not knowing where to go or what to do. The two are slightly glassed off from the swirl around them: crying children; sounds of sickness and death.

The cries of the Congo––a country in turmoil––are clear to her now.

_Father of all mercies and God of all comfort, look in pity on all who are suffering during this time of strife and warfare. Protect the defenseless, heal the wounded, and sustain the homeless and hungry. Turn the hearts of our enemies, and forgive both them and us for our share in sin that has brought this anguish on humanity. Open to us a way of reconciliation, and lead us to the path of peace; through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen._

Prayer: _For the Suffering _

* * *

**-Part 3-**

"**A Rumor of Angels"**

** December 10 **

"Robin," Carter whispers from the doorway.

Dr. Shepherd is asleep in a humid room where the staff sleeps. There are small beds––each having a large mosquito net draping down over it from the ceiling.

Carter walks over and kneels on the floor, "Robin, wake up." He grins as she stirs and mumbles. "Rob?"

"What do you _want_, Carter?" she asks in a muffled tone, not enjoying the wake-up call.

He grins and tells her in a soft voice, "I want you to meet somebody."

"Who?" she mumbles.

"Someone special."

Robin gets annoyed with him, "Carter, I've gotta eat breakfast. Plus, I'm not in the mood right now...my jet lag's caught up with me."

"Alright, _after_ ya eat, then," he says and stands. "Come find me when ya get done," he tells her as he walks out of the room.

"Yeah, alright..._whaaaat_ever," Robin mumbles––not really caring at this point. All she wants is to sleep, but she knows that she can't. Suddenly, she sighs loudly and opens her eyes. She sits up and her face brushes against the net, startling her. With a little trouble, she gets out from underneath the net and gets out of bed––shuffling her feet.

Now dressed in a pair of khaki pants and a plain navy blue T-shirt, Robin walks through the admit area––packed with villagers and refugees. She grins at the small children who watch her pass by.

Carter sees her from across the large room and makes his way toward her.

Robin spots him as he comes up to her––his face beaming and full of excitement

"What's up with _you_," she asks, grinning but looking confused.

Carter takes a breath and tells her, "Nothing! I'm just _so_ glad you're here!"

Robin smiles, "Thanks, I'm glad I'm here, too!"

They say nothing to each other for a moment, then Carter tells her, "I wanna introduce you to somebody."

"Oh, _right_! Right," she nods her head. As he starts to lead her away, she seems confused again, "Where're we goin'?"

"Outside."

"Why outside?"

Carter smiles from ear to ear, "You'll see."

Carter leads Robin over to the corner of the building, where a dark-headed woman stands drinking coffee.

The woman turns and faces them as she hears them walking up to her. "Ah, John, there you are," she says with an English accent, and smiles.

They meet her and Carter begins, "Kem, this is Robin Shepherd––she's one of the doctors I work with back in Chicago."

"Nice to meet you," Kem says as she shakes her hand.

He continues, "Robin, this is Makemba Likasu––she's the head of a new AIDS program here in Kisangani."

Robin smiles, "Nice to meet you, too."

"I have to say," Kem says, "it's so great to finally meet you! John's told me so much about you."

Robin's surprised to hear this, and she looks over at Carter, standing slightly behind her. She looks at Kem again and inquires, "So, uh...you run an AIDS program here?"

"Yes," she tells her, "it's just starting to come together, but hopefully everything will work out." Carter suddenly reveals, "It's such a shame that you'll have to leave the duties up to somebody else in a few months."

"Oh, why's that?" Robin asks.

Kem smiles ear to ear. "I'm having a baby!"

Robin seems very excited for her, "Wow! Congratulations!" and looks back at Carter, "Isn't that great?"

"The greatest," he answers softly and looks at Kem, which Robin doesn't notice.

Offering her best wishes, Robin laughs, "Tell the father I said, 'Congratulations and good luck'!"

"I think you just did," she confesses and slides her eyes over to meet Carter's.

Robin gazes at Kem with an utter look of shock and confusion written on her face. Her mind is a step behind and nothing is making sense to her. She sees Carter walk over and put an arm around Kem's waist and his hand on her stomach; both of them standing there smiling and looking at Robin––waiting for a reaction. She has no idea what to say––not even the slightest clue. She leans forward slightly, as if to catch her words, with a blank expression on her face now. "Mm-hmm... _What_ was that now?"

"We're havin' a baby, Rob!" Carter beams.

She says nothing, but smiles strangely––thinking that this might be a joke; some cruel practical joke Carter's trying to pull on her. But then, she realizes that everything they're telling her is real. She suddenly feels very betrayed by Carter––somehow; she's not sure why. The more she thinks about it, the more she wants to rant and rave about the foolish situation that they've gotten themselves into. But, she decides not to make a scene and exclaims, "Uh-_huh_!!" She obviously feigns her joy and happiness for them, but they don't seem to catch on. _"Well!"_ she says with a grin, sounding very perky. "That's just _ducky_!" Robin takes a long pause, then decides she wants to get away from the awkward subject. "Look, I'm sorry. I was gonna check on a patient before I ran into you in there, and I don't wanna keep 'em here any longer than they have to be, _so_..." she says and shakes Kem's hand, "Kem, it's great meeting you! I hope your program is a success, and congrats and good luck with the baby!"

Robin steps back and looks at Carter; her smile shrinks as she stares at him. "Carter..." she simply says as she turns and starts making her way back inside. Her expression turns to that of anger and frustration, and she scoffs to herself, "Son of a bitch."

Carter watches Robin as she walks away from them. He sees her shake her head in disappointment, and it is now that he realizes that she's upset with him.

"Robin seems really great," Kem tells him.

He agrees with her, "Yeah, she's the best...but she's mad at me."

"How do you know that?" she asks.

He explains, "When she's frustrated, she gets this sarcastic 'edge' to her."

After a long pause, Kem suggests, "Talk to her at lunch or something."

Carter smiles at her. "I will."

_Lord of the nations, and God of all peace, pour out Your Spirit in rich measure on those in high places and low, who continue to seek peace during this time of war. Protect them from hate and violence, open their ears, their mouths, and their hearts to pursue the goal of peace, and make the citizens they represent responsive to their care; through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen._

Prayer: _For the Peacekeepers_

Back inside the hospital, Robin walks through the crowded, suffocating admitting area. She stops as she hears a woman speak to her.

"Docteur! Docteur, can you help my son?"

Robin moves over to the bed and asks her, "You speak English?"

The woman nods, "Yes."

"What's your name?"

"Razina," she answers.

Robin asks, "And your son?"

"Mahiri," she tells her, as she watches Robin's actions––taking her stethoscope and listening to her son's breathing; then, taking his temperature.

"Bonjour, Mahiri," she smiles as she examines him.

He grins, but says nothing.

"Je m'appelle Dr. Shepherd." She has the young boy open his mouth, and she shines her pen light inside––what she sees troubles her. Next, she checks his ears, and she sees a middle ear infection––which is also alarming.

Mahiri begins coughing.

"Razina," she asks, "how long has he had this cough?"

She estimates, "About two weeks."

"Mahiri," Robin asks the boy, "avez-vous fatigué (Are you tired)?"

He nods his head and looks at her with an expression as if to say, "Please help me...I don't want to be sick anymore."

Robin has trouble keeping her composure, but smiles at him. She knows what the problem is; she doesn't have to finish the exam. Just by looking at him, she can see the suffering he's been through lately: his extreme weight loss and muscle deterioration make him appear as being that of a corpse.

"What is wrong?" Razina asks very calmly in a deep tone. "What is wrong with my son?"

Robin peers at her with a look of despair and speaks to her in a soft, low voice. "Razina...I'm so sorry..."

"My son has AIDS," she says blankly.

Robin is taken by surprise. "Yes...he does."

A loud silence flows among the three of them as Razina watches her son––no expression on her face; no movement comes from her; she doesn't blink. Suddenly she confesses, "Then, it is my fault. I am the reason he is sick."

After a moment, Robin questions, "You have AIDS?"

Razina takes a second, then explains, "Yes. I had it before I found out that I was pregnant with Mahiri. When he was born, the doctors told me that there was a possibility he might get it later on in his life...they just did not know when." She pauses. "Can you make him feel better...for _now_ at least?"

In a soft-spoken voice, Robin tells her, "I'll try my best." She moves over to the IV stand that's been placed beside the bed; a bag of saline already hangs from the stand. She wipes a small spot of Mahiri's arm with an alcohol swab, and this makes the boy turn his weak head.

He sees the IV needle and begins to panic––which, for him at this point, is being able to move his body around just to make it _somewhat_ difficult to get the needle in his arm. First, his mother tries to calm him, but it doesn't faze him. Then, after she sees nothing is working, Robin gives it a try.

"Mahiri," she says softly, "Mahiri, regardez-moi. Regardez-moi (..., look at me. Look at me)." The boy finally meets her eyes and listens.

"Écoutes, écoutes. Calmes, d'accord (Listen, listen. Calm down, okay)?" She pauses, then continues, "Etroite-vous oeils, d'accord? N'ayez pas peur (Close your eyes, okay? Don't be afraid)."

The boy squeezes his mother's hand and Robin is finally able to hook him up to the IV.

"Prends une haleine profonde...relaxes (Take a deep breath...relax)," she reassures him.

He opens his eyes and looks up at her.

"N'ayez pas peur (Don't be afraid)," she whispers and sits down on the edge of the bed next to Mahiri.

The boy trusts her now; he feels safe with his mother and the caring doctor sitting beside him.

Razina looks over and keeps her eyes on Robin. Seeing the two crucifix necklaces around her neck, she questions, "Dr. Shepherd, do you believe in angels?"

"I guess so, why?"

"Because, before, I was not sure what to believe," she explains––a small grin crossing her face as she continues, "but now, I know there has to be...otherwise, _you_ would not be here."

Robin smiles at the compliment, looks down, and studies her hands––resting in her lap. Then, she moves and adjusts the saline dosage, while Razina watches her son as he sleeps.

* * *

**_There's the beginning! Hope you all liked it! More to come soon!_**


	2. Chapters 4 through 6

**-Part 4- **

**"Shattered Images" **

_I live_ _in the weak and the wounded. _

** Later that day **

Outside, the sun beats down and the heat is almost unbearable. Dr. Shepherd sits on the back porch of the hospital underneath the roof, which extends out from the building. The roof, along with the trees that surround everything, provides a cool shade––making the heat a little more tolerable.

Robin's thoughts seem to focus on the height of the porch––only a few inches off of the ground. "Would this thing really be considered a 'porch'?" she wonders. She decides not to dwell on it, and she crosses her legs and sits Indian-style with her legs literally resting on the ground. She leans back and rests her hands on the wooden planks underneath her.

Suddenly, Robin notices the life that surrounds her. Ants march in a long file down the path in front of her; birds fly amongst the trees; butterflies light in the low brush that covers the ground. If she were back home, she probably wouldn't have ever noticed anything like that; she wouldn't have taken the time.

Her concentration is broken suddenly, when she hears footsteps come out onto the porch behind her. She keeps her eyes to the ground, but she can see the person walk up near her. She knows it's Carter.

"Whatcha doin'?" he asks, as he leans against a wooden beam that holds the roof up.

Robin doesn't want to look at him right now, so she keeps her eyes to the ground. "I'm takin' a break, what's it_ look_ like?"

Carter is annoyed with her attitude, but he doesn't acknowledge it right off. He stays silent for a moment, then asks her, "Is somethin' wrong? You're not talkin' much."

Robin still won't look at him. "Nope." Her anger with him is apparent in her voice.

Carter senses that she's lying to him and has had enough of her vagueness, so he lets her know, "Alright, ya gotta help me out here! You're not tellin' me _anything_, your attitude sucks, and you're obviously mad at me for some reason––!"

"You know _damn_ well why I'm pissed at you, Carter!" she interrupts him.

Silence comes over them momentarily, as Carter realizes and finally asks, "This is about Kem, isn't it?"

Robin shoots up from her seat and turns to face him, raising her arms at her sides, "This is about _everything_, man!" She turns away from him and ambles around. "When you left here the first time and went back to County, I was glad to see you come back. Then, we all got the call and they told us that Luka had died. So, you _blindly_ took it upon yourself to come search for him when you didn't even know where his body was! You had _nothing_ to go on, but you went anyway!" She pauses, then keeps going. "After you left us high-and-dry, Abby told me that she chased after you, but you just _left_ her standin' there on the sidewalk! She said you never even looked _back_ at her! Then, a couple days later, we get word that you found Luka, _alive_! We were all happy, 'cause we thought the two of you were comin' back and then life would go back to normal...but that wasn't the case! _Luka_ came back, but _you _were nowhere to be found! Then, Luka's new girlfriend gave Abby that 'Dear John' letter you wrote, and it seems like everybody's lives have been goin' to hell ever since!" Robin stops for a moment, then continues again. "So, fast forward to three days ago, when I get a call from halfway around the world from a guy I haven't even talked to in six months...wanting me to come to the Congo to help him with somethin' before he goes back home! _Oh_, I decide to _go_, but when I get here, it turns out that he's knocked up some woman he hasn't even known for three months!! You're startin' to turn into Doug Ross!

"Ya know what your problem is, jag-off? I said it before, I'll say it again...you're a coward! You run away from everything. You were gonna propose to Abby...you didn't! After your grandma died, you found out that _you_ were gonna be in charge of an assload of money––not to mention, the rest of your inheritance! Then, you decided that you didn't want all that responsibility along with a rocky relationship, so what do ya do?! _You run away. _That's what you do _best_, Carter."

Carter has no expression on his face––he's never seen Robin get so angry and show this side of herself. That's why he doesn't want to say anything else to her about his plans—but, he knows that he has to. He takes a deep breath and says firmly, "Rob...I've decided that we're gonna leave tomorrow."

"I'm still gettin' over my jet lag, man," she complains, the Southern lilt in her voice getting stronger the more she talks, "now you're gonna make me get on another _plane_?!"

"That's just the thing..." he starts to explain himself, "ya see..._Kem's_ going with me...not you." He pauses. "I'm leaving you in charge."

Robin stops moving around and stands with her hands on her hips; her eyes are fixed upon him, as she tries to make sense of everything. She drops her gaze to the ground; then, her eyes slide back up to meet his. "I've been here for a _day_...and now you're telling me that tomorrow you are _leaving_ me here?"

Carter takes a step toward her, "I'm sorry..."

"Oh, the _HELL_ you are!" She's breathing fire now, exhaling smoke—it's a wail of a rage. "You've probably been plannin' this for days...weeks even! _Dammit_, Carter! You could've at least waited two or three more days and let me get used to things around here!"

"Rob, I'm sorry! I just want Kem to come back home with me while she can still get on a plane," he tries to explain his sudden decision.

She stands, burning a hole right through him with her eyes. "So, she's just gonna _drop_ everything to go home with you?"

"The AIDS program will be _fine_, and she'll be back in two or three weeks," he tells her.

"Uh-huh," she says, not convinced that everything will work out, "and what happens after she comes back?"

"She'll stay here for a few weeks, and then she'll go back to Chicago until she has the baby."

Robin's eyebrows bend up, and she starts moving around again. "God, man, you're gonna run her ragged! _You've_ go the easy part; but, _she's_ gonna be the one crappin' out the baby!" She pauses, then asks, "What're you two gonna do after she has the baby? Have you even thought about that?"

Carter tells her, "We've still got over eight months...we'll figure it out by then."

"Her _job_ is _here_! Her _life_ is _here_!" Robin says in a stern tone. "Did that _never_ occur to you?" Carter says nothing and just looks at her. "You better figure somethin' out, _fast_!" she scorns; ending her tirade, she starts toward the front of the hospital.

"Where ya goin'?" Carter shouts to her. She stops and turns. "If I'm gonna be one of the head honchos around here, I'm gonna have to find my way _around_ this place!" she smiles sarcastically and starts walking away again.

Watching her amble away, Carter can't help but be somewhat disquieted by Robin's extreme change in character. Her unfamiliar anger, in his opinion, could be blossoming from some kind of repressed emotion. He remembers the morning the entire ER surprised her––the first time she had been back to work since she was diagnosed as being diabetic. When she had gone into the lounge, Carter had a conversation with Elizabeth about what she had witnessed earlier in the evening. Frankly, he was shocked; but, at the time, he thought it was just mood swings––something that would phase out over time.

But his assumptions now show him that her anger is beginning to manifest itself verbally _and_ physically. He has never seen her speak to anyone in the way she just has––so ill-tempered. The anger in her voice; the look in her eyes––so belittling and demeaning. In a way, he feels like he doesn't even know who she is anymore; he doesn't know who he's talking to. Robin is completely different to him now, and he is beginning to see into her broken, hollow spirit.

* * *

**-Part 5-**

**"At Sundown" **

** Later that evening **

In the dying moments of the tumultuous day, about ten of the staff members gather together at a local diner to unwind. They sit around a long table, chatting about where they came from or what their plans are after they return home. Even though they talk about things like this every day, it never gets old. It makes them feel better to know that they have something to go home to.

Robin sits on one side of the table, slouching in her chair and staring at the floor near Carter's

feet. All the noises around her are an ongoing mumble, as she tries to block everything out. She bites the inside of her lip––looking very annoyed.

Carter sits across from her––studying her demeanor. She's become strangely quiet and docile, but seems troubled still—still hollow inside—and he knows exactly why. Guilt resides within him now.

Out of nowhere, one of the nurses asks, "So Robin, how long have you known about the Congo?" When she doesn't respond and just keeps staring, the man asks again.

Robin hears him this time and snaps out of her daze. She rubs her temple for a second, trying to remember. "Uhh...since my junior year at high school, actually," she says in a shy manner.

Everyone looks astounded––surprised at the length of time she's been engrossed by the two countries of Congo.

"Have you been wanting to come here all this time?" Kem asks suddenly.

She looks over at Kem, who's moved her chair closer to Carter's so that he can put his arm

around her. Anger shoots through her veins as she looks at the both of them; then, she answers by simply nodding her head––wearing a disguise in the form of a misleading grin.

Everyone quiets down.

Seeing her discontent, Carter offers to buy her a snack, "Hey, can you have some fries now?"

Robin doesn't look at him but inspects her fingernails instead, impassively, "Yeah."

"Can I get you some?" he asks with a smile.

"Nope," Robin says blankly; everyone watches as she gets angrier by the second, but she hides it

well. "You've done enough for me for one day!" she says with a slightly sarcastic grin. Then, she scoots

her chair back and stands.

Carter seems concerned, "Where ya goin'?"

As Robin gets behind her chair and pushes it under the table, she says with an air of annoyance,

"If you all will _excuse_ me, I'm gonna take a walk through the marketplace."

"It's not safe to go alone after dark," he tells her.

"Let me tell ya somethin'," she states in a firm tone, gripping the back of her chair slightly, "the

other day after you called me, a man came into the ER. He told me to live my life while I still can." She starts to walk toward the door.

"Gonna eat somethin' before ya go?" he questions.

She turns around, sighing and rubbing the back of her head, "Uh...yeah. Probably should."

Carter looks around, "Where's the waitress...?"

"Oh, don't bother," Robin tells him, coming up with a plan, "I'll get it." She walks up next to

Carter, takes his small basket of fries, and saunters away––laughing silently to herself as she leaves, enjoying her free fries.

Mouth agape, Carter sits and stares at the exit. "Well," he sighs, "there go my fries."

Everyone is quiet.

Carter looks down at his hands, resting in his lap; his brows sink downwards as he suddenly

realizes something. He seems confused as he asks everyone, "Hey...was it me, or does Robin have a limp?"

The male nurse tells him, "Yeah...did you just now notice it?"

"Yeah, but..." he glances over at the door again; then, glances back. "Has she been walking like

that since she _got_ here?"

One of the female nurses says, "Yeah, man. The entire time."

Carter still looks puzzled. "She wasn't walking like that before I came back here," he says.

Kem tries to comfort him and offers a possible reason, "Maybe something happened to her...it

seems pretty clear to _me_." She waits a moment, then assumes, "I'm guessing, by her grouchy attitude towards you just now, that she's still upset with you."

Carter nods his head.

"Did you talk to her?" she asks.

He nods again, "Mm-hmm...we got into an argument, and she started _yelling_ at me! I mean, she's

never _done_ that before." He pauses. "It's like, before I left, she was the same ol' Robin that I've _always_ known...but _now_, I don't even know...who she _is_ anymore. I don't..." he cuts himself off with a loud sigh.

With a desperate expression, Carter puts his focus on the exit once again. Now, he feels as

though he has made the wrong decision by leaving Robin behind here in the Congo, in charge of

everything.

Second thoughts begin to rise.

* * *

**-Part 6-**

**"Amends" **

** December 11 **

It is only moments until sunrise, and a few of the staff members help Carter and Kem load their luggage into the white SUV that sits and waits for them. Carter puts his duffle bag on the back and slams the door.

As he does this, Robin walks outside behind the two men that are going to escort the couple to

the small runway. She stops a few yards short of the two and crosses her arms.

Carter sees her and beams, "_Hey_, what are you doin' up?"

"Thought I'd come say 'goodbye'," she answers. "Plus, I wanted to wish Kem good luck with

the baby again."

Kem smiles, "Thank you, Robin." She pauses. "I never thought I'd be going to Chicago to have

a child!"

Sarcasm returns to Robin's voice. "'Love: American Style'..." she says, "hitchin' and ditchin'!

Isn't that right, John?"

He's offended somewhat by her remark, and it's obvious by the look on his face. A mischievous

smirk grows on Robin's face, and she turns to leave without another word; walking closer to the door. Suddenly, Carter shouts loudly, "We want you to come see us off from the runway!"

She turns around. "I don't think you want me to do that! _Really!_"

"C'mon!" he smiles. "Look, you mean a lot to us...we want you to come with us! I won't be

able to _live_ with myself if you don't come along to say 'goodbye'! _Please_, Rob?!"

She stands near the doorway. After a moment, she rolls her eyes and reluctantly gives in––tired

of Carter's begging. "Well, if ya care enough to make up _that_ load a-crap, okay." She pauses. "Let me go get my insulin and stuff, hold on," she says and jogs back inside the hospital.

Carter's smile shrinks, and he lets out a loud sigh. Kem asks, "Why did you invite her to go along when she obviously doesn't want to go?"

"I've gotta see what's wrong with her."

Minutes later, as the sun begins to rise, the two escorts sit in the front of the vehicle as it travels

down the dirt road. Kem, John, and Robin sit in the backseat.

Carter sighs softly, then looks over at Robin. He watches her, staring out the window––rubbing

her bottom lip with her fingertips. She seems disconnected from herself––a world apart from everyone else. He doesn't want to bother her, but he has no other choice.

"Hey...you homesick?" he asks gently––trying to get her to open up and be more forthcoming.

Suddenly, something changes in her. She looks over at him, then down at her hands, "Yeah...but

everything's changed."

"What do you mean 'changed'?" he asks.

"Well, first of all," she sighs, "they finally finished those new renovations they were makin'

when you ran out on us to come back here."

Carter is, again, offended; but, he doesn't feel like arguing with her right now. "How's

everyone dealing with Dr. Romano's death?"

As she talks, her focus goes back and forth between the ground outside and her hands. "Elizabeth

and I took it harder than anyone..." she speaks softly, "but, I think _I _took it the hardest."

"Why's that?" he questions.

She stares at her hands and says blankly, "I saw it happen."

Dumbfounded, Carter and Kem watch her as her feelings begin to unravel. He whispers,

"What?"

Robin nods. "I was on the roof...on a break, and a chopper lifted off. Something happened––I

don't know if it was the wind, or some kinda mechanical problem, or what––but, it crashed on the roof and then fell into the ambulance bay. He was in the bay, and I yelled for him, but when he looked up at me, he saw the chopper and screamed." She pauses. "It was too late...it, uh...landed on top of him and exploded."

"Oh, my God," he whispers––having trouble getting his words out. "Were you hurt?"

She shakes her head, and then goes on, "I was the only one who knew about Robert... Everyone

knew that I'd seen the whole thing, but I never told 'em about _him_. I left before the workers could raise the helicopter up; I couldn't stick around any longer...I had to get outta there."

Carter watches her still. "If you weren't hurt, then...why are you walking with a limp?"

Robin stares at her feet and lets out a dry laugh. She shuts her eyes for a moment before she

explains. "One day back in October...a patient I'd sutured up that day came by my apartment with a gift. I invited her in for a minute, and as I turned my back to her to shut the door, she started attacking me with a tire iron.

"To answer your question, Elizabeth had to put screws into my right tibia...and I had some

broken ribs, contusions and lacerations, and a concussion."

They all sit silently; the vehicle traveling down the road.

Carter stares out of the windshield––very distraught, remembering his own brutal attack four years ago. He knows now that her attack is what changed her so dramatically—just like his own changed him. He still gazes out as he questions gently, "Did they ever find her?"

"Yeah," she tells him, "she pleaded guilty to the charge of attempted murder, and they committed

her to a psychiatric facility." She looks out the window and starts again. "About a month later...on Thanksgiving...that's when Romano was killed, and I just _lost_ it, man. I mean, I beat-up a second-year resident there at the admit desk; then, I started to go after another second-year, but Gallant and Susan had to literally _hold_ me back. I'm surprised that they didn't order me to go to a disciplinary hearing, I mean, it was a damn _fiasco_.

"_Evidently_, my outburst raised some red flags, so a bunch of 'em got together and staged a

'suicide intervention'," Robin makes quotation marks in the air, then continues. "Then, I walked out and...sat in that Catholic church for hours. Before I went back home––for the first time since my assault––I stopped by my neighbor's apartment (he lives on the fourth floor)...and I bought a pistol from him... Then, I went home and stayed up for three or four days straight. I didn't leave my apartment for a week!" She won't dare tell them about the second gun she bought—and still keeps in her night stand.

Carter asks a question that he never thought he'd ask her, "Rob...were you gonna kill yourself?"

His voice is utterly heartbreaking; his eyes are wide and misted with tears––as are Kem's.

"The thought was in my mind...but, I was so traumatized that I couldn't think straight at all. But,

Abby came by one day, because they were all worried sick; and if she'd waited another day...she, more than likely, would've found me dead. It was just a matter of time... It was too much for me... What she didn't know was that I'd bought a second gun and hid it in my nightstand." She pauses; still sick of herself and her anxieties. "But, still...it never goes away, y'know? Feels like quicksand...the more I fight, the worse it gets. People say it's the easy way out... I disagree." She looks mortally wounded as she talks. She always sounds so soothingly sane, even when she's describing, with characteristic bluntness, the endless discouragements and continued anguish that surely lay ahead. "Especially after last week..."

He sits quietly for a moment—bothered that she still has a gun in her house. "What happened

last week?" John asks with concern.

After a moment of silence, Robin smiles and jokes, "Apparently, my psychotic patients enjoy

following me home from work." She then confesses, "I had a young guy come in, he'd been beaten up by a group of his friends. When he took his shirt off, I saw a tattoo on his chest... It was a Nazi flag with a swastika, and it said 'White Power' under it in German. He told me he'd changed—that he wasn't a racist bigot anymore—and that he'd gotten out of the whole Neo-Nazi thing... I didn't buy it... Later, I was on my way home, and I had gotten off the El; I was walkin' down the sidewalk, and someone suddenly grabbed me, put their hand over my mouth, and pulled me into an alley. I didn't see his face at first, but I knew it was him. He said he'd changed—he kept repeatin' it over and over again... I couldn't scream...I couldn't call for help... So, I elbowed him in the stomach...and he dropped his switchblade... I picked it up... I ended up stabbin' him six times—the last swing I took, I ended up tearin' his aorta... I realized what I'd done and called for help... Back at work, I just stood outside the trauma room doors and stared in while they tried to save him... Then, they stopped... I killed him..."

John can't breathe. He sits silently, and then, asks her, "What's gonna happen to you when you

get back? Are they gonna bring charges?"

"No...they knew it was self-defense... Plus, he didn't have any family..." she admits softly with

no feeling in her voice. "What a great time to be alive, huh?" she says with sarcasm in a hollow, monotone voice. After a moment, her grin disappears, and she shakes her head as she stares out the window. "It shouldn't be this hard..."

At this moment, Carter realizes that he's made a terrible mistake by asking her to come to the

Congo and abandoning her here; he realizes that Robin has possibly come here to die. She's fatally depressed. The past few months have worn her out, grinded her down to nothing. He had no idea the depths that her melancholy reached this deep, until now. She's on an emotional roller coaster. When she feels good, she's hopeful. When bad things happen to her, she's depressed and bewildered. She doesn't see what the future holds for her but more pain. And now, because of _his_ selfishness, he has forced her to put her life on the line––just so he can go back home to Chicago with his new, pregnant girlfriend. John's at a loss for words, feeling so torn. He can't hide his guilt anymore, as tears fall from his eyes; thinking and imagining the hell she's been through all this time––slamming into walls, no doors opening––and seeing her wounded soul underneath it all.

Now at the landing strip, they all get out of the vehicle; the two men accompanying them help

with the luggage. Carter and Kem begin saying their goodbyes as the sun rises over the treetops––blanketing everything in sight with a beautiful, golden orange.

"I want to thank you for all that you're doing, and _will_ do," Kem tells Robin.

A grin crosses her face, "You're welcome."

"You must be an incredible person," Kem says, "or else you wouldn't be here."

Robin doubts herself, "_Oh_, I don't know about that...but, uh...thank you anyway."

Kem smiles and tells them, "Well, I'll let you two talk; so, I'll wait at the plane."

As she walks to the plane, Carter watches her for a moment––grinning. He turns his focus to

Robin. He looks deeply at her face and eyes—etched by what he now knows to be depression—and smiles. "You've changed."

"That didn't sound like a compliment," she assumes with a faint smile in response and glances at

him. "Besides...you heard my excuses."

He stares at her with an awkward expression––wondering why she called her traumatic

experiences _"excuses"_; but, he doesn't want to bring it up. Instead, he becomes sincerely concerned for her and says softly, "Robin...I'm so sorry about everything that's happened to you."

"Crap happens, Carter, it's not your fault."

Silence falls. He grins at her slightly and asks, "Walk with me?" as he makes a motion with his

head toward the plane.

She gives him a look, as if to say, "Yeah, alright. Whatever," and they start strolling together

slowly.

"I need you to go to Matenda to get some supplies," he tells her. "Your wish is my command, Your Majesty," she replies sarcastically, "shall I wave my magic wand and rebuild the clinic while I'm there, also?" She refers to the small clinic that, until six-and-a-half months ago, stood in the village; but, rebels set fire to it and burned it to the ground.

"No!" Carter laughs.

They reach the small plane as the two escorts finish talking to the pilot. "We will wait for you,"

one says in a thick, African accent, "take as much time as you need."

"Thank you," Robin tells him.

Raising his voice over the engine and propellor, Carter apologizes for everything. "Listen...if I had known about everything that you'd been through, I never would've asked you to come here. I would've asked someone else."

Robin's voice is loud, but sincere, "Asking somebody else wouldn't have proven _any _better," she

shakes her head, "and you couldn't have persuaded _anybody_ else to come here...not after all that

happened to you and Luka. What else was I supposed to do?"

He pauses. "You're right, but still...I wanna thank you. It's selfish of me to put you in charge,

and I _see_ that now. It was selfish of me to call you right outta the blue and ask you to come here. I'm sorry."

"Well," she begins, "it was either stay in Chicago and self-destruct, or go to the one country I've

always dreamed about going to. So...I guess either way ya look at it, I must have some sorta death wish!"

Carter stands smiling and stares into her hazel eyes, and he can feel her striving to hold on to

anything left inside––whether it be the mind-numbing grief that still haunts her, or her romantic notion about the Congo. He's still very concerned with her state of mind—he sees her spirit, scarred and cratered—but figures that if anyone was meant to be here, it's her.

He beams, "I have faith in you," then he takes a moment. "Everybody does...here _and_ back

home."

With that, Robin watches him climb into the plane.

After he fastens his seatbelt, he looks at her and apologizes again, loudly, "I'm sorry!"

She crosses her arms and shakes her head with a grin on her face, shouting over the propellor, "No, you're not...! If you were _sorry_, you'd take me with you!" They both smile at one another; then, as Robin puts her hand on the door to close it, she starts to say something but hesitates for a moment. Carter gives her a strange look, and she finally shoots him a look of sarcastic anger—a smoldering gaze— "I hope Abby kicks your ass when you get back!" She slams the door shut and smiles.

She backs away from the plane a few yards, and after a moment of two, it begins to roll down the

tarmac.

Carter and Kem lean forward, looking out the window, and give her one last wave goodbye––little do they know that this might be the last time they see Robin alive.

Standing with crossed arms and a grin on her face, she waves back and crosses her arms again.

As their faces disappear from the window, the plane's wheels lift off from the rough pavement and it slowly takes off into the air. She watches as it climbs higher and flies over the palms––leaving her feeling totally empty and alone. The plane vanishes, but she continues to stare out at the trees.

A deep African voice calls out and brings her back to reality, "Doctor, are you ready to go?"

Robin looks over at the two men, leaning against the SUV, and sounds unsure. "Yeah...okay."

Then, she looks back out. Sighing and taking one last look around at everything, she starts for the vehicle. They all three climb inside, and as the engine turns over, Robin knows that she's now on her own in one of the most dangerous places in the world––in the midst of an identity crisis. The pressure is immense.

Watching the ground blur beside the Toyota as it cruises along the dirt path, she grins slightly

and thinks to herself, "Well...here we go."

_Wave of sorrow, _

_Do not drown me now: _

_I see the island _

_Still ahead somehow. _

_I see the island _

_And its sands are fair: _

_Wave of sorrow, _

_Take me there. _

Langston Hughes – "Island"

* * *


	3. Chapters 7 through 9

**-Part 7- **

**"In Harm's Way"**

** December 14 **

"Taking a break, Dr. Robin?" Kahleem questions in his thick accent, walking past her and into

the hospital.

"Yup," she smiles, leaning against the wall outside near the back door—amused at the way

he's calling her "Dr. Robin". As he disappears inside, she wipes the sweat from her forehead and sighs loudly. She glances around, and then pushes herself off of the wall––stuffing her hands into her pockets and walking to the side of the building.

Approaching the front––where the villagers and refugees wait in the suffocating heat, under the

makeshift shelter––Robin smiles at the people; most of them know who she is by now.

The sounds of a vehicle coming up the dirt road distract her, and she squints as she tries to tell

which direction the vehicle is coming from. After a few moments, she spots a black pick-up truck barreling down the road––kicking up a large cloud of dust in its wake. It races closer and closer, and finally comes to a screeching halt in front of the crowd of people. The driver, dressed in camouflage, turns off the engine and jumps out. Two other young men in fatigues hop out of the truck and try to drag something out of the bed. The driver orders Robin to come and help them, so she runs over and gets a glimpse at what they are trying to carry: the body of a man whose leg has been blown off, and whose skin has been charred so badly that his eyes seem brighter than the white T-shirt he's wearing. An odd silence looms in the air.

_"Jesus,"_ she mumbles under her breath––having never seen anything quite like this before. She

stands rigid and wide-eyed, not knowing what to do; then, Angelique––one of the only surgeons––rushes out.

"C'mon, Robin, we've got to try and help this man!"

Inside the operating room, the injured man's body is hoisted onto the gurney; and as the team

readies for the surgery to save the man's amputated leg, Robin begins asking the three men questions in English about what happened.

"How did this happen?"

A nurse translates for them in French. She answers, "They say there was an ambush."

Robin puts on a surgical mask and inspects the man's burns.

"They shot his leg off. Then, they poured gasoline on him and set fire to him."

Robin shakes her head in disgust, picturing it in her mind. She notices that he isn't moving as

much and feels for a pulse. "Lost his pulse," she informs––her voice is sullen, but it has an air of

urgency. She stares into his eyes––still staring up at the ceiling. "Time of death:...13:47," she sighs.

"You can't pronounce this man yet," Angelique shouts, "we haven't even begun to operate!"

"_Look_ at him!!" Robin argues, "He's got third-degree burns on over ninety percent of his body;

he's lost over half of his blood volume from his leg...he wouldn't have made it through the night!"

After a moment, Angelique looks down at the man's lifeless body. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Everyone moves about somberly, removing their gloves and masks. Robin rips her mask off in

frustration, and then, gently closes the man's eyes with one hand.

The three soldiers become angry, and the leader begins shouting and pointing at Robin. He

walks up to her, yelling the entire time; then, the man and his French-speaking brothers-in-arms storm out––shouting in a local language and holding his assault rifle.

The staff stands unmoving as the soldiers' foreboding footsteps trail off slowly.

Robin stares at the dead man––a million thoughts flood her mind.

_Our Lady of Sorrows, we pray for those who will die today because of war, economic chaos, injustice, and exploitation, especially the children. Prepare them for the agony, despair, and terror of the violence that is upon them. Comfort them and hold them close to the bosom of Thy Wounded Heart as the drink deeply of the bitter cup which is forced upon them. _

Daily Prayers in Time of War

* * *

**-Part 19-**

**"The Awakening" **

** December 17 **

Making her way through the crowded admit area, Robin seems to be searching for someone in particular. She takes a moment to say hello to a group of children playing "Go Fish" with an old, yellowed deck of cards. They all smile and wave at her as she passes; and as she disappears in the crowd, they focus on their game once again.

Emerging from the bustle around her, Robin finally spots Kahleem and rushes over to him. "Kahleem?"

He turns toward her voice, then smiles, "_Ah_, Dr. Robin!"

"Hey," she says. "Uh...can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Well..." Robin hesitates, "Dr. Carter wanted me to go to Matenda to pick up some supplies that'd been left there, and I was wondering when the next immunization team would be put together."

"This afternoon, actually," he answers––surprised. Then, he shakes his head, "But, I'm afraid I cannot let you go with us."

Robin wears a confused smile on her face and questions, "Why not?"

"It is too dangerous," he explains.

"I know it's dangerous—"

"Yes," Kahleem argues, "but you do not know _how_ dangerous it is!"

Robin gets frustrated at her own stubbornness and rakes her fingers through her hair. "Look, I don't wanna argue with you. All I know is that I'd be letting Carter down, and I don't wanna _do_ that to him––even after all the crap he's put me through...I can't do that to him...I _won't_."

He looks at her for a moment, and then he gives in with a sigh, "Alright."

The convoy makes its way over the rough road to Matenda; and as Robin sits in the stuffy Range Rover, she wonders why the vehicles aren't in worse shape than they already are. A small group of refugees catches her eye. As the car slowly passes them, they peer inside at her––their eyes sunken and dark. Their gazes are frozen; and in this moment, something touches Robin's heart––she can feel their pain and suffering; it's a force she can't ignore.

As soon as the people come into view, they disappear behind the vehicles.

Robin stares at the ground for a minute, and then looks out in front of her. Her eyes grow wide with guilt and sadness as she shifts her gaze from one side of the road to the other, back and forth. Hordes of brutalized refugees line the sides of the dirt road, as far as the eye can see. Man, women, and children of all ages trudge along as the sun beats down on them, making their journey even more difficult. Most carry their belongings in their arms or in wagons; some have nothing at all. Their homes may have very well been pillaged and looted by rebels––or some may just live this way. Their clothes are tattered and worn, and many have no shoes on their feet.

To see all these lonely people fleeing from their homes and running for their lives, like lambs to the slaughter, leaves Robin awestruck and unable to say anything––now realizing she's on a road of death. She struggles with the enormity of this. Like a giant hole ripped in the fabric of existence. She looks out into the vast exodus of villagers forced into exile and feels a sudden rush of overwhelming guilt. Even though she feels privileged and blessed to have a career in one of the largest and most up-scale cities in the world––not to mention living in the United States––she wishes she could give it all away just to help these people. She feels selfish and spoiled in a way. She even feels guilty for being white.

She's watches as a country falls apart on itself.

"These people are from Ituri," Robin suddenly says in a low, hollow tone.

Kahleem glances at her and questions, "How did you know that?"

She doesn't look away from the villagers. "I've been obsessed with the Congo for years... I'm always looking up articles about the conflicts here to see what's goin' on..."

"It is strange to hear you say that," he admits. "Most people do not even give this place a second thought... Most people do not care."

Robin keeps quiet for a moment, with her eyes still on the refugees. "Well," she says softly, "...I guess I'm not 'most people'."

A smile stretches across Kahleem's face, and he glances at her again. He's amazed that she would care so much about a part of the world that she's never even been to––until now. His respect for her grows by the minute, and he realizes that not all foreigners are alike. There are some that genuinely care about the world's issues––and even about two countries entangled in a web of corruption and war.

_An event has happened, upon which it is difficult to speak, _

_and impossible to be silent. _

Edmund Burke

* * *

**-Part 20-**

**"In Confidence" **

** Chicago, December 17 **

Now back at work, Carter stands at the admit desk, drinking a cup of coffee and looking at the patient board with one hand on his hip––still donning his beard that Robin wants him to get rid of.

"John," says Dr. Weaver as she makes her way toward him. As he turns around, she smiles, "It's nice to have you back with us, Doctor."

"Well, it's great to be back home," he beams.

"I understand you brought your girlfriend with you today, is that right?" Kerry asks, just trying to make conversation.

Carter nods, "Yeah, she has an OB appointment here shortly, and I just got back from taking her upstairs."

"Congratulations," she tells him, and he thanks her as they hug each other. They let go and Kerry asks cautiously, "So...you've been back for a week now, right?"

As Carter nods, "Mm-hmm, why?" she asks the question that he has been dreading: "Why haven't we heard anything from Robin?"

Carter looks at her with a small grin on his face. "Maybe...because...she's not here."

"Do you mean she's not here in the hospital or she's not here in Chicago?"

There's a moment's pause. A nervous expression crosses Carter's face as he raises his eyebrows and puts on a guilty grin.

Kerry takes a quick look around for an empty room. "Come with me," she says flatly and leads him toward Exam 1.

The two doctors walk into the room and Carter decides to stand by the far window, while Weaver stands beside the bed. "Where is she, Carter?" she asks.

"I left her in charge of things there," he answers.

"You _what_?!" Kerry raises her voice. "Why the hell would you _do_ that? What were you thinking?"

"I don't know."

"That's not _good_ enough!" she scorns. "Do you have any idea what's happened to her since

you've been gone?"

"Yes, I do––she told me everything!" he explains. "By the time she told me, we were on the way to catch the plane...it was too late."

Kerry stares him down, "So you left her there alone because of your own damn pride, is that what you're telling me?"

"Maybe I did, Kerry," he admits suddenly, "but I have worried myself sick about her from the moment we said goodbye!"

Silence falls as Weaver imagines the worst. "What if she gets sick...or runs out of medication?"

"She won't, she has plenty," he says.

"What if something happens to her?"

"She's tough," he tells her in a low tone.

"Not lately she hasn't been," Kerry reminds him. "She went to help you in confidence that you would bring her back home in a few days... _You_ are playing with _fire_ here, John. The choice you made could very well cost you one of your closest friends." Her voice is soft but angry; and after she takes a moment, she takes her eyes off him and walks out of the room.

"What do you want me to do, Kerry?" Carter shouts as the door starts to close.

She yells over her shoulder, "You'll do _nothing_ and _like_ it!" as she limps away toward the front desk.

At the desk, Abby, Pratt, Gallant, Susan, and Sam are anxious to hear the news. "So..." Abby starts, "what's goin' on? How is she?"

Weaver stops and tells them, "She's fine, as far as I know... But she's not here."

"What," Sam asks, "what do you mean 'not here'?"

She sighs, "...In Chicago."

The five of them stand together, stunned. Abby says softly, "He left her there..." She lets out a scoff and shakes her head with disgust.

"What can we do..." Gallant asks, "anything?"

"No," Kerry says, "we wait," and she starts down the hall––leaving the staff at a stalemate. Their mistrust in Carter may cost them the loss of a beloved friend.

* * *


	4. Chapters 10 through 12

**-Part 10- **

**"Matenda"**

** The Congo, December 17 **

Finally arriving at the ramshackle village clinic––reduced to rubble––everyone climbs out of the vehicles and takes a look around. Robin walks over to the burnt shambles of the small clinic, in a state of disarray, and studies the blackened wood ruins for a moment. Around the front steps, she sees shoe prints in the dirt and wonders who was here. When the convoy arrived, she noticed that the area looked deserted. As she peers around the side of the rubble, she sees three tan tents. "Hey, guys," she says loudly, "we got some tents over here!"

Kahleem and three more men walk up to her and proceed to go check out the tents.

But Robin falls behind them as she looks over to a clearing about one hundred feet away. A fourth tent sits strangely away from everything; and as Robin begins to make her way toward it, she notices a large mound of dirt with what appears to be an enormous hole dug into the ground next to it. She dismisses the tent for the time being as she gets closer to the hole––keeping her eyes on it the entire time. She slowly walks up to the edge of it and looks down.

Nothing.

Her eyebrows shoot downward as she squints to block out the sun. Suddenly, a thought runs through her head as to what the large hole might be for; she turns cold inside.

She flings a look back along the way she has come. She turns and starts retracing her steps, until her old shoe prints merge with different ones––many different people have been passing between the clinic and the tent. She, then, recognizes what appear to be marks left in the dirt where something has been dragged. Dark streaks can be seen on the ground.

Robin turns back to the tent and follows the prints. Approaching the flap door to the tent, she spots something on the bottom of it: blood. Whatever it was that's been dragged into it was covered in it.

She slowly puts her hand on the flap––next to a bloody hand print that's been smeared––and pushes it open as she slips inside.

In what seems like a split second, she gets inside and is overtaken by the horrid stench of rotting flesh––doubling over as she drops to the ground on one knee, coughing and gagging in revulsion. Her stomach churns and ties in knots, and her eyes begin to water as she tries to look around. Still gagging, she puts a hand over her mouth, struggles to stand––due to the weakness that's washed over her from the nausea––and staggers outside.

She immediately hunches over and places her hands above her knees, trying to fight off the nausea. She breathes heavily and closes her eyes tightly. After a moment or so, she stands straight and sighs loudly.

Deciding to go back in, Robin removes her loose button-up shirt she's wearing over a gray T-shirt and wads it up to use as a mask to cover her mouth and nose. She looks over to see everyone loading some supplies into one of the trucks. "Hey!" she shouts and motions for some of them to come

over.

Kahleem and two more men run toward her. "What is it, Dr. Robin?"

"Looks like somebody didn't finish what they started," she says.

"What are you talking about?" he asks.

Still breathing heavily, she turns her head and looks at the large hole.

The three men are shocked. "A mass grave," Kahleem says.

Robin nods and looks down at her feet before she continues with the terrible news. "There's at least fifty people in there. Seventy-five at the most."

Silence falls among them; but then, is broken by one of the other men. "Should we contact the embassy?" he asks.

Kahleem answers, "Yes, hurry. Whoever left might come back."

Robin and Kahleem enter the tent; covering their mouths and noses, the horror in their eyes says it all. They walk along small paths left among the piles of decaying corpses. Blood is smeared on the walls and it covers the ground beneath their feet. The place smells of death.

"They are refugees," he explains. "They must have been ambushed on the main road."

Filled with disgust at the grisly idea, Robin shakes her head. She looks at the faces of the innocent people and notices that some of them died with expressions of horror––their eyes open and their mouths silently screaming; she crumbles inside. Among the corpses lay several body parts: hands, feet, legs, and arms. A few have even been beheaded. Some have had their abdomens cut open, exposing their internal organs––mangled. Some have had heated machete blades applied to their chests and arms. They have been dehumanized in one of the most extreme ways; it's unfathomable what she sees.

Continuing on, Robin keeps swatting at flies––that have gathered by the hundreds. The never-ending drone of buzzing flies is very unsettling; she's beginning to see less and less hope in everything. She has come to this country to find a little peace within herself, but peace has been murdered here, too. She becomes rigid and walks on, barely being able to move. The devastation within the tent, once again, reaches deep into her heart and touches her soul. She's so traumatized by what she sees that she has no words to say or no emotions to express––except that of utter shock and terror. Her eyes shake with anger and astonishment. Everything stands still for her now in this black vortex to hell, as she stares at the faces of the villagers, frozen in time.

These are the hints of chaos to come.

_Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. _

Psalm 23:4

**

* * *

**

**-Part 11- **

**"The Point of No Return" **

December 18

Now on the way back to Kisangani, Robin watches the many refugees as they pass them by on the road. She worries about them all; and she can't stop thinking about who will make it to safety and who will not. She sticks her elbow out the window, props her head up with her hand, and closes her eyes with a sigh.

Kahleem glances over at her, about to say something, but stops when he sees her resting. He grins and drives on silently.

The Range Rover pulls up to the back of the hospital, along with two more SUVs from the convoy. They all get out and gather the supplies from the backs of their vehicles; then, everyone heads inside.

As Robin puts a large box onto a rickety, old table, she notices something. "Seems kinda _quiet_, doesn't it?" she asks as she fools with the straps of her backpack.

"Yes, it does," Kahleem answers, inspecting the supplies he's brought in.

After a moment, Robin decides to go see where everyone's gone to. She walks out of the room and into the hallway. Looking into the operating room, she sees no one and starts becoming very anxious.

Suddenly, she comes to the admit area. She sees patients who are critical or who can't walk still laying in their beds, but no one else. One frightened teenage girl meets her confused gaze and puts a finger to her lips, telling her to stay quiet. She scans the entire room and spots the front door––swung wide open. Robin can see everyone standing outside––some are still under the canopy, trying to escape the heat. She steps out from the doorway and under the shelter. Her brows buckle as she spots a black pick-up truck and a large military-type truck, like the kind you often see soldiers sitting in the back of when they go off to war. The black pick-up looks exactly like the one she saw days before.

Finally, she decides to make her way through the crowd. The patients and staff are surprised to see her. A patient of hers––a man with a broken wrist––grabs her arm and pulls her back toward him discreetly. "Stop or they will see you," he whispers.

"Who?" she whispers back.

He tells her, "The Mai Mai."

She takes a second, and then asks, "What do they want?"

"You."

Robin looks over at him quickly, in utter shock. "Why do they want _me_?"

"I do not know," he says.

The crowd seems to suddenly part and they both see an angry rebel storming toward them. Robin recognizes the man but does not have time to react, because her grabs her arm and shoves her through the long path he's made.

"Tu! Venis avec moi (You! Come with me)!"

Reaching the front of the crowd, Robin sees several of the staff members kneeling on the ground in the hot, tropical sun with their hands locked behind their heads. A group of rebels stands in front of them––guns drawn. She has walked right into the middle of an insurrection.

Robin puts her hands in the air as the man stops shoving her, and they stand in their places.

"Je l'ai trouvée (I found her)!" he shouts.

The leader of the group asks him, "C'est celle dont (She is the one)?"

"Oui," says another one of the three rebels that came the other day.

"Places elle avec l'autres (Put her with the others)!" the man orders. So, Robin is led over to her colleagues and forced to kneel with them––putting her hands behind her head.

In a moment of courage, she tells them without hesitation, "Laisses les partis (Let them go)."

Everyone in the crowd, the staff beside her, and even the rebels are taken by surprise at Robin's forwardness.

Testing her mettle and taking a brave stand, she speaks again. "J'ai la dont vous vouloissez (I'm the one you want)."

The rebels stare at her, and then look at one another. The leader nods to the others––telling them to let the others go. The men grab them by their arms, force them to stand, and shove them toward the crowd with their rifles drawn.

Everyone watches now as Robin kneels, alone, before the Mai Mai rebels. The silence is ear-splitting.

The leader studies her a moment longer; then, he shouts, "Allons-y (Let's go)!"

The other rebels approach Robin, and one man kneels in front of her. He grabs her arms and begins tying her wrists together in front of her with some kind of cord. As he stands, another man grabs her backpack––which she's still wearing––and pulls her up. He shouts at her, "Vas-y (Go on)!"; but, when she doesn't move fast enough, he shoves her and cocks his rifle to be fired.

Hearing the rifle, Robin closes her eyes for a second as she walks on.

Reaching the military vehicle, Robin is "helped" up into the bed of the truck and is forced to sit against the back of the cab. As the rest of the men climb aboard, she looks over at the crowd.

The staff members in the front watch on, as the young doctor who's saved their lives is about to be abducted.

She keeps her eyes on everyone as the engines of both trucks start, and she is being taken away. In her mind, this is the beginning of the end. Her crusade has cost her dearly.

In the crowd, Makena4––a girl who Robin has gotten to know during her time here––clings to her mother and watches with sad eyes. "Is Dr. Shepherd going to die?"

Her mother thinks hard and answers with confidence, "No...she is meant to live." She stares out as the trucks disappear behind a wall of palm trees. "She is in God's hands now."

_Almighty, everlasting God, through Your only Son, our blessed Lord. You commanded us to love our enemies, to do good to those who hate us, and to pray for those who persecute us. Therefore we beg You to lead our enemies to true repentance, that they may have the same love toward us as we have toward them, and be of one accord and of one mind and heart with us and with Your whole Church; through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen. _

Prayer: For Our Enemies

**

* * *

**

**-Part 12- **

**"No Man's Land" **

_I am for peace: but when I speak, they are for war. _

Psalm 120:7

** Hours later **

Two cabins sit in the middle of a large desolate clearing, surrounded by the dense jungle on all sides. A third, smaller building is directly across the clearing from the cabins.

Suddenly, the calmness is disrupted by the sounds of engines, and the two trucks carrying the rebels appear. As the brakes squeal slightly, the trucks slide in the dirt and come to a stop. The engines shut off––prompting the men to jump to the ground.

One rebel grabs Robin's arm and forces her off the truck; then, she puts her hands behind her head. She watches more ragtag soldiers emerge from the two cabins as she walks, they stare with all eyes on her. A vacant fear radiates from her eyes.

The leader stands apart from the rest of the men and waits for her to get a little closer to them. The man behind her grabs her backpack to stop her; and then, kicks the back of one of her knees––forcing her to kneel. He takes out a large knife, cuts the straps of the pack, and tosses it aside. Then, he cocks his assault rifle and puts it to the back of Robin's head with force.

Pain is obvious on her face as she winces and begins breathing harder. Yet, she stays strong. Poised. Courage lives behind her eyes.

The leader takes a few steps forward, and tells the man behind Robin to put the weapon away with a simple nod of his head.

A small wave of relief washes over her as she feels the pressure on the back of her head subside.

"Qu'est-ce ton raison ici dans le Congo (What is your purpose here in the Congo)?" the leader asks in a firm tone.

She answers, "Je suis une médecin avec l'Allíance des Médecins Internationale (I'm a doctor with Allíance des Médecins Internationale)."

"Nous ne pas pensons! Tu es la espionne (We think not! You are a spy)!" he shouts and accuses her.

She insists, "Je vous promets, je ne suis pas (I promise you, I'm not)!"

He readies his pistol to be fired and yells, "Pourquoi été tu en Matenda (Why were you in Matenda)?"

"Nous étions dans le besoin de provisions (We were in need of supplies)." she explains to them.

"Tu mensonges (You lie)!"

Robin takes a second and tells him, "Mon passeport est dans ma sac B dos (My passport is in my backpack)."

He motions to the man behind her, "Kani5, le chercher (..., search it)!"

Now knowing one of the rebels' names, Robin burns his name into her mind.

Kani walks over and picks up the pack; then, he unzips it and begins rummaging through it. He wanders back behind Robin and finds her passport. He inspects its pages and finally says, "Makame6, elle dit la vérité (..., she tells the truth)."

"Oui?" he asks.

"Oui."

Robin takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

Kani drops the passport to the ground and digs around for more things. He pulls out four vials of insulin, studies them, and hands them to Makame.

"Quel est ceci (What is this)?" he asks angrily.

"Insuline," she tells him.

They all look confused. "Pour lui quel est (What is it for)?"

"Je suis la diabetique," she answers, sounding ashamed.

The rebels stand speechless, and Makame debates with himself if he should let her keep the medication. Then, he takes one vial, drops it into the dirt, and crushes it with his boot.

"Hey!" Robin shouts, taking her hands away from her head and lunging forward toward Makame. Kani puts his rifle to her head and holds her back by her shoulder. She places her hands back behind her head after a moment; fury and frustration crash through her.

Somewhat amused to see her reaction, Makame grins slightly and drops a second vial.

Listening to the glass crunch under his boot, Robin's face twitches as anger and sadness set in. She can't do anything now, it is out of her hands.

Makame crushes a third vial, and Robin closes her eyes––knowing that if he destroys the last one, there's no chance of her living. But, to her surprise, he tosses the last vial of insulin to Kani, who puts it back into her backpack.

"Tu laissé notre ami mort! Pourquoi (You let our friend die! Why)?" he interrogates with a voice of deadly hate.

Looking very stressed and emotionally drained, she replies, "Son blessures étaient trop séverPs (His injuries were too severe)." She pauses. "Je suis désolé...je suis (I'm sorry...I am)."

No one believes her. "Tais-toi! Tu laisse lur mouris parce qu'il était noir (Shut up! You let him die because he was black)!"

"Non! Je ne suis pas raciste (No! I'm not a racist)!"

Still not convinced, Makame scoffs as an evil smirk crosses his face; and, with one fluid motion, he raises the pistol to Robin's forehead, point-blank.

She flinches and closes her eyes––scared to breathe. Her heart pounds inside her ears, and an icy fear runs through her body, filling every ounce of her being. She finally lets out sharp breaths through her teeth, as she calms down a bit. Opening her eyes slowly, she stares at the black metal of the gun barrel––glistening in the sunlight; her face knotted with anxiety. She studies it, and then realizes that she's not afraid to die. Her body relaxes at the thought of staring Death in the face.

The only regret is that she will never see her friends again; never give them any peace of mind or closure. She will never have the chance to tell them how much she loves them. Anger courses through her at the heart-wrenching thought of them getting another phone call with terrible news. So, after one final moment of staring at the weapon against her forehead, Robin blinks sluggishly and moves her eyes up to meet Makame's––facing the enemy. She blinks, committing his face to memory. She is at his mercy, and this is her last stand.

Her striking stare surprises him, and angers him, as well. He puts more pressure on the trigger and squeezes the handle tighter.

The pistol weighs heavy on her head, and beads of sweat trickle down her forehead.

There's something in her eyes that frightens him in a way. None of the rebels have ever come across a person with her tenacity––being able to hold herself together so strongly. She's making a point to them that she's not just another defenseless American.

Robin takes a deep breath and lets it out as she pleads in a low tone, "Je vous respecte––vous tous... S'il vous plaît (I respect you––all of you... Please)." Her eyes plead with him; this is a respect out of fear. "S'il vous plaît," she says with a sigh and stares him down––breathing heavily. She will not be intimidated.

Makame looks up to Kani, and then over to the group. His eyes return to her, and he lets the pistol drop to his side.

A sickening feeling rushes over her; a white wave of fear fills her brain; she lets her eyelids fall––letting go of a little of her mental weakness. As soon as he does this, he brings the weapon up behind him, and then strikes the side of Robin's face with it. Blood and spit spray onto the dirt beside her. She slouches to the side for a moment, having the wind knocked out of her and bleeding from her cheek. She sits back up, dropping her gaze to the trees behind Makame.

His eyes have a fiery glare as he looks at the emotionally shaken doctor. "Emmenez-le elle (Put her away)!"

Shoved into the cabin, pain is evident in Robin's voice as she hits the hard ground on her shoulder—she lets out a ragged and defeated breath. Her backpack is thrown in, as well, and the flimsy door is shut. Sunlight makes its way in through cracks in the boards of the walls––other than that, the inside of the cabin is almost dark.

She can't think as she lays on the dirt floor. Her eyes slide down to her wrists, which are still bound together with cord. Suddenly, she decides to sit up––because she knows that if she keeps laying on the floor she'll fall asleep, and she doesn't want to think about what might happen if she does. She puts all of her weight onto her hands and pushes herself up, folding her legs in slightly. She looks at the dirt on her khaki pants and her gray T-shirt.

Looking very disoriented, her eyes dart around the room. She closes her eyes, inhales deeply, and lets her breath come out quietly. She wonders if anyone would be able to find her in a place so remote and forgotten. She has all but vanished from the outside world. Would anyone search for her? Would she die here alone, with no one knowing what becomes of her?

All Robin can do now is wait; wait here in a lonely place, where angels fear to tread.

_It begins where it ends. In nothingness. A nightmare born of deepest fears, coming to me unguarded. Whispering images unlocked from time and distance. A soul unbound, touched by others, but never held. On a course charted by some unseen hand. The journey ahead promising no more than my past reflected back upon me. Until at last I reach the end. Alone, as ever. _

Scully in the episode "Emily" ("The X Files")

* * *

**_More to come soon!! Again, sorry if my French is bad!_**


	5. Chapters 13 through 15

**-Part 13- **

**"Postcards from the Edge" **

_If you love someone let them know, _

_because tomorrow may be too late. _

**Chicago, December 19 **

A phone rings off the hook at the admit desk and no one seems to be noticing. Kerry writes orders on a chart, while Jerry and Frank are nowhere in sight. She scans around with her eyes for someone, and spots Frank walking up the hallway. "Frank," she raises her voice, "either _answer_ the phone yourself or find somebody who _will_! I'm not your _damn_ maid!"

He gives her an evil look as she limps away, then picks up the phone, "ER."

In the lounge, Carter pours himself a cup of coffee and sits down at the table.

Just then, Frank walks in. "Dr. Carter, there's some guy on the phone for you," he simply says, and leaves.

Carter sighs––sad that he didn't get to drink his coffee––and finally gets up.

Carter picks up the phone and asks Frank, "What line's he on?"

"Line three," he tells him. He presses the button and says, "Hello, this is Dr. Carter."

"John."

He grins and looks confused, "_Kahleem!_ Hey, what's goin' on over there?"

As Kahleem begins to explain what happened, Abby and Neela put their charts away and take their patients off the board.

"Don't kid around with me, man, that's not funny," Carter shows a doubtful smile.

Then, Abby turns to Neela helplessly, and they watch as his grin disappears.

"Do you know where they took her?" he asks in a shaky voice.

Frank, Neela, and Abby become frozen at his words; watching as his face turns pale; trouble is in the air.

He looks confused. "Hello?" he asks. "Kahleem? Hel..." he asks again and cuts himself off. He hangs up the phone and closes his eyes. "Dammit," he whispers under his breath.

"It's Robin, isn't it?" Abby asks in a sullen tone.

He turns around––not realizing they were all standing there. His face is expressionless, and he knows Abby will be upset.

She stares at him with a painful look. "John..."

He waits a moment; then, he tells them. "Robin...was abducted yesterday, and they don't know where they took her..."

Abby looks away as tears fill her eyes. "God, Carter...what the hell's wrong with you?" she asks depressingly. "Did he say anything else?"

"He said she convinced the rebels to let everyone else go...and she didn't even try to fight back."

It suddenly dawns on Abby what Robin's done; she laughs silently—closing her eyes and shaking her head. "God, I can't believe this..."

"What?"

Abby looks Carter in the eyes, wearing a small grin of denial, "She wanted it to happen... John, it's suicide."

He lets out a sharp laugh, "No, it's _not_. She wouldn't do anything like that."

"_Yes_, she _would_, Carter!" she tells him with desperation. "Don't you _get_ it? She _wants_ to _die_!"

He fights for the words to say. "I'm sorry," he says––not being able to come up with anything better.

"Yeah, you _should_ be," she snaps; then, she shakes her head in amazement, "God...I can't _believe_ you!" She leaves and walks toward the lounge.

As Abby disappears, Neela looks at Carter harshly. "What?" he asks her. "What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?"

She says nothing and leaves.

Carter shakes his head, and then sees Frank looking at him. "Frank...c'mon."

"You're not gettin' any sympathy from me," he replies, turning back around and finishing the paperwork he started. "You just better hope she turns up alive," he says as he leaves. "Heads will roll!"

Carter feels more guilt-ridden than anyone could possibly imagine. He's at fault. He pulls up a chair and sits down––wondering what to do now. As he stares out into the ambulance bay, he thinks back to when he was leaving; then, realizes that he never hugged her goodbye. He begins rubbing his forehead with his fingers in frustration––remembering his missing friend, lost in a far-off place. This will be one of the darkest nights of the year for the staff.

_No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye; you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why. _

Unknown

**

* * *

**

**-Part 14- **

**"The Missing" **

_There can be no good without evil._

**The Congo, December 20 **

Streaks of light cross Robin's face and body as she lays on her side on the dirt floor. Just a few minutes ago, she was awake; but now, she has apparently fallen asleep. She'd been awake for over a day, but the lethargic heat of the tropical African equator has gotten to her.

Without warning, a soldier barges into the tiny cabin and sees her. "Tu, leves (You, get up)," he shouts.

She is still.

The man becomes angry and repeats in a louder tone, _"Tu, leves!" _

Robin doesn't flinch.

The man sees her breathing. He grabs both of her ankles and starts dragging her outside.

Two other men wait by the door for the man, and look confused when they see him drag her out of the cabin. They follow him to the middle of the clearing; then, they all start conversing in French.

Robin is laying on her stomach with her hands still tied together. Her skin is deathly pale.

The man who pulled her out approaches her and begins shouting at her.

Hearing the commotion, everyone else comes outside and watches. Makame steps out and sees Robin––lifeless and pale. He rushes back inside.

The man starts kicking her in the ribs and on her side. The force of the blows makes her body scoot in the dirt.

"Arret (Stop)!" Makame shouts at the man as he approaches.

The soldier stops the beating and steps back. Makame carries with him a cup filled with some kind of syrup. He kneels down beside Robin and rolls her onto her back; then, he opens her mouth and carefully pours in a few drops of the syrup. He waits patiently.

Finally, her eyes begin to open––the light of day stabbing them, making it hard to see. Pain suddenly shoots through her left side; and even though she was unconscious, Robin could sense someone was hurting her. She looks up to the sky and says, "Quelqu'un me donnait un coup de pied... Je pourrais le sens (Someone was kicking me... I could feel it)."

Makame shows no emotion at all; his face is like slate––as it usually looks. He rises to his feet and takes out his pistol.

Robin's so weak that she seems to move in slow motion, compared to everyone else. Her mind moves so slowly that she can't realize what's going on around her––her eyes see one thing, but her mind thinks of something that's happened seconds earlier. That is until she sees Makame raise his arm and shoot the man in front of him, point-blank in the head; his blood splatters on her face and the ground around her. She jolts violently and the gunfire echoes away into the jungle.

Her eyes are wide and bloodshot; and she feels as though she would be better off dead. She can still hear the gunshot and the sound of the man's body falling to the ground beside her––it plays over and over in her mind, as she lays staring at the sky. She closes her eyes for a moment and turns her head until she's looking at the dead man––his eyes staring back into hers. She breathes heavily when she realizes that a large piece of his forehead is missing.

As blood begins to pool around the rebel's head, the two other men that were with him begin to drag his body away––leaving a long trail of blood behind.

She looks back to the sky, on the threshold of death, and listens to the hollow sounds around her: the whispers of the men and the pitter-patter of their shoes as they begin to walk away; wilderness stirs in the forest: the monkeys and birds that play in the trees; her own breathing and heartbeat.

The sky falls around her and happiness has all but vanished. Time is running out and she's falling from grace––fading away.

* * *

**-Part 15- **

**"All That Heaven Allows" **

_Wherefore I praised the dead which are already dead more than the living which are yet alive. _

Ecclesiastes 4:2

**Hours later **

The blistering sunbeats down while Robin lays on the ground, with one foot in the grave (so to speak), and tries to think of something––anything at all. But her mind is barely able to keep up with what's going on. She has no energy whatsoever––it's a struggle just to move a hand or a foot. The days she has spent here in the jungle have had the unsteady presence of a dream. Perhaps she is still alive, though she feels no signs of it.

A strange noise drones on in her ears, and it gets louder and louder; she slowly realizes that's she's hearing vehicle engines approaching in the distance.

Suddenly, the entire group of Mai Mai rebels rushes out of the two cabins, and Makame orders two men to move Robin out of the way. The men pick her up by her upper arms, and she manages to move her legs to walk. One man motions for her to get on her knees, and they walk away to join the others. She thinks about who this might be coming up the road; and she's not sure whether she should be relieved––seeing as they may be here to rescue her––or afraid for her life.

Robin gets her answer when she spots two pick-up trucks driving into the clearing––carrying even more soulless, empty men; not exactly the divine intervention she was wishing for. They all hop out of the trucks and approach Makame and his men.

Robin can clearly see they're armed––with pistols, grenades, Kalashnikovs, and machetes.

The leader spots her kneeling in the dirt and sends an sinister glance her way. He, then, turns his attention to the group and starts speaking in Swahili.

The two groups seem to be of the same tribe, but they also seem very different. The "new" rebels have an even more hostile demeanor than Makame's. They wear better clothes and they carry more weapons. They also seem to have more dominance and authority.

She keeps hearing Makame say the name Ojore, and assumes that this is the leader. Without warning, Robin sees the "new" rebels take out their pistols and cradle their assault rifles in the hands, getting their arsenals ready.

Terror is the order of the day, but no one is aware of it.

Ojore begins pointing to a few of Makame's men and orders them to step away from to group. As they do, Ojore's gunmen open fire––firing round after round of bullets into them.

Robin flinches with every gunshot and looks to be on the verge of tears, but she's too tired to shed any. Having not slept in days, there's only one thing she can do. Still bound together at the wrists, she brings her hands up to her chest and closes her darkened eyes. As she breathes somewhat quickly, she begins––her voice is gravelly and low, having not spoken much in several days:

_"I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea... And God shall wipe all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."_

The few moments of maddening and bloodshed seem to last a lifetime. As the last shots are fired and the last body falls to the ground, an eerie dead calm engulfs the entire area––and the jungle around it.

Robin slowly opens her eyes and sees the eight men that were told to move away, standing near about twenty or twenty-five of their comrades––dead on the ground and riddled with bullets. They were the only ones whose lives were spared.

As most of Ojore's infantry enter the two cabins, two stay and make sure that they are all dead––hacking them with machetes. They also take "trophies" from the bodies: cutting off fingers or ears; gouging out eyeballs from their sockets; and even removing internal organs––possibly for cannibalistic or occult rituals.

Ojore orders the survivors to dispose of the bodies, and they slowly begin to drag them away–– once again, leaving large streaks and stains of blood in the dirt.

Robin keeps her hands to her chest, closes her eyes, and begins again:

_"Hail, holy Queen, Mother of mercy! Hail, our life, our sweetness, and our hope! To you do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To you do we send up our sighs, mourning, and weeping in this valley of tears. Amen."_

She keeps her eyes shut after she finishes, afraid to open them. Then, she hears footsteps walking toward her and finally looks up at the man.

He stops beside her slightly and stands––just looking down at her and holding an AK-47. He takes the butt of the rifle and drives it into Robin's chest, missing her collar bone by only fractions of a centimeter; the man grins wickedly.

The force takes her breath away, and pain is written on her face. She starts to cough as she bows her head and doubles over.

After a moment, the rebel gets down on one knee and puts an arm around her throat––strangling her. He jerks her, strangling her even more, and threatens her ominously in English, "You saw nothing."

Robin's face is blood-red, and her eyes become bloodshot from the pressure he's putting on her. As she fights for air, she manages to nod her head in agreement with him.

He makes her suffer for another moment; and then, lets her go. The man leaves without another word, and Robin is left struggling to catch her breath––coughing and gagging until she almost vomits. She finally stops and sits back up, looking at the horror around her. Her eyes are heavy and dark, and they cry out for peace and comfort. From the outside looking in, she feels as though there's no way out and that everything is too far gone. The journey she has embarked upon, in a desperate effort to find herself once again, will come to an end––here in the killing fields of a country the world has decided to forget.

Everything is lost. She knows she has reached her last days.

Now, with death drawing near, Robin closes her eyes and brings her hands back up to her chest. She shivers from weakness and sways from side to side––barely being able to keep her balance, much less hold herself up.

The eight men trudge back to take more bodies away, and they hear Robin as she starts praying in a low tone––along with the jean-clad, gun-toting guards that mill around, who also hear her. Her voice trembles and she has trouble getting her words out.

_"Jesus said unto her, 'I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.'"_

_"Do it now, Robin."_

Robin stops, opens her tired eyes, and stares at the men in front of her. She's starting to fall apart. She's been afraid for far too long. Her fight with bravery ends today. She realizes what she has to do and calls out to one of the rebels carrying bodies away, "Hey...hey..."

The young man trudges up to her, carrying his AK-47 in his hands. "Qu'est-ce que tu besoin (What do you want)?" he asks hatefully—standing ominously in front of her.

Staring at the gun, she slowly reaches out with her bound hands and takes the gun barrel. "S'il vous plaît (Please)..." she says softly and places the barrel against her forehead, closing her eyes. "Tues-moi (Kill me.)."

The man stands rigid staring at her in awe—not sure what to do. "Pourquoi (Why)?"

Robin's brows shoot downward—frustrated and angry—and her voice begins to break as desperation sets in and tears emerge from the corners of her eyes, talking through clenched teeth, "Fais comme je te dis, _s'il vous plaît_ (Do as I tell you,_ please_)!" Her hands grip the cold metal, and she presses it against her forehead even harder—waiting for him to follow her order. She can feel more eyes on her, because the rest of the men have gathered together to watch; they stand unmoving.

They are all blown away at the fact that the once stoic and dignified young doctor is now pleading with them to take her life.

The rebel changes suddenly, and evil comes over him. With a sinister grin on his face, he says to her, "Non...tu vas souffris (No...you will suffer)." He snatches his weapon back from Robin's hands and walks back over to the pile of bodies. The other men do the same and return to their jobs, as well.

Robin is left to endure alone, now. She sits slowly back down on her legs and lets her hands fall limp onto her lap. She stares blankly at the ground—twitching awkwardly and shaking. Closing her eyes one last time, she begins to pray again, and she waits for death to consume her...

_"Jesus said unto her, 'I am the resurrection and the life...'" _

_Whatever the danger, however terrible the odds, you'll stand firm, behave with the dignity of a hero, yea, even to the grave! _

John Gardener – _Grendel _

* * *

**_There's more to come. Sorry, this thing's not spacing off the quotes and Bible passeges and stuff---that makes me angry. Sorry if it's depressing you, but trust me, in the first ending it gets a lot happier. I'll update soon!_**


	6. Chapters 16 and 17

**-Part 16- **

**"Out of Reach" **

_Wherever you are, I am there also. _

Ludwig von Beethoven

Chicago, December 21

Abby walks into her apartment and closes the door with a loud sigh. Moving over to the kitchen, she turns on the light and takes off her gloves and scarf––putting them on the table with her purse; then, she takes off her coat and hangs it over one of the chairs.

She stands in her place for a few moments, remembering what happened just hours ago at work. She pulls out a chair and sits down––her nerves frayed, and her mind a blur.

The ER received more news earlier that Robin is still missing, and everyone has been on the edge of their seats––a secret nervousness haunts them. She's so far from home, and they wish for her safety. With every day, the pining for her grows. The person who had once pushed them away and retreated into the dark recesses of her own mind is now killing them with her presence—they feel her everywhere. They long for her friendship, her honesty. They cling to the hope of a letter or a phone call. They're waiting for the call that no one wants to get. But days continue to pass without a word and worry builds, not knowing whether she is dead of alive. They begin to feel themselves slipping into the throes of a slow death. If she's gone, remembering the good things will have to do, or, imagining the way things could have been. They struggle, descending through the stages: denial, anger, depression, acceptance. But, until they find out anything, they can't lose faith yet.

Abby remembers what she was thinking when they got the news: _She's not coming back...she's not coming back. _This thought echoes through her still, even after all these hours. _She's not coming back._

Before she's able to shed a tear, Abby gets up and turns the kitchen light off.

_Though our communication wanes at times of absence, I'm aware of a strength that emanates in the background. _

Claudette Renner

Slowly walking into her bedroom, Abby runs her fingers through her hair and moves over to the side of her bed. She turns on the lamp that sits on the night stand and just sits quietly––closing her eyes after a moment. Suddenly, her eyes open and she reaches into one of her pockets––pulling out a piece of paper that's been folded up. She's carried it with her ever since it came through the fax machine at work. It's Robin's letter. She hasn't been able to part with it, and she sometimes reads it whenever she has the chance.

After she unfolds the paper, she begins reading it again––grinning as she imagines Robin actually speaking the words she's written to the staff. There's one line in particular that she reads over and over:

_"...I want you all to know that if something happens to me while I'm gone, I'll always be with you." _

Abby's eyes fill with tears, and she reaches the point where she has to put the letter down. She's been keeping it on her night stand when she sleeps, where she can see it, because it gives her a sense of comfort. She also keeps a picture of Robin and herself propped up against the lamp; it was taken the night Robin came back from her leave-of-absence; they both have an arm around each other's shoulders, smiling brightly. Abby grins, looking at it for a moment.

After hearing of the abduction, Dr. Corday told the staff about something Dr. Benton once said to her. He said, "You can be so close to somebody...and then they're gone." This struck a cord with Abby, and she's remembered it ever since––it's played over and over in her mind; not to mention, everyone else's. Robin is so revered by everyone at work that it's almost impossible to explain. She's part of the family.

Realizing that it's almost Christmas––a season for miracles—Abby has only a simple wish: that her friend comes back home. Nothing more, nothing less.

Tears fall from her eyes as she starts to give in to her sadness. Then, a strange feeling fills the room.

Robin moves past the foot of Abby's bed and over to the side where she's sitting. She wears the same gray T-shirt and khaki pants––covered in dirt and splashed with blood. As she stands next to Abby, she watches her break down and lose heart; Robin slowly sits next to her and looks at the floor.

She's a world apart, but yet, so close.

Abby wipes the tears away from her face and takes a deep breath as comfort surrounds her. All her feelings of worry and sadness disappear. She senses something familiar, close, but can't figure out what it is. With a small sigh, she grins and closes her eyes––finally being able to relax and put away her worries. Her mind falls still.

Robin wears a peaceful smile as she sees Abby let go of some of her grief, even though she knows that it's still in the back of her mind. She glances at the floor once more, then, back to Abby. She suddenly disappears.

The feeling of comfort is not as powerful now, but Abby is still calm. She seems confused, but smiles—maybe this feeling is all in her imagination; and with that, she leans forward, turns off the lamp, and climbs into bed––kicking off her shoes. She pulls the sheets up around her and lets out a sigh, closing her eyes.

She drifts off to sleep, now with a little peace of mind.

**

* * *

**

**-Part 17- **

**"Cry Freedom" **

_My soul hath long dwelt with him that hateth peace. _

Psalm 120:6

The Congo, December 21, 2:55 a.m.

Darkness falls on deadly ground and heavy rain pours over the jungle, turning the road muddy and dark. The moon, which only moments ago was shining brightly in the night sky, is now shrouded with clouds––making everything an eerie dark blue. Shots can be heard.

Robin sits, dull-eyed and jaded, in the bed of one of the rebels' trucks––the rain dripping from her hair, and her clothes soaking wet.

The rebels sit around her, saying nothing.

Robin has let her eyes fall shut, not being able to hold them open. She lowers her head, and rain drips from her nose, lips, and chin onto her bound wrists. Her body jerks awkwardly because of low blood sugar and sheer exhaustion. She is pretty much dead, but not buried. The buzzards are circling in her tired mind, ready to feast on her soon-to-be-dead body as soon as bittersweet Death takes her last breath.

Sitting against the cab of the truck, Ojore watches her strangely. "Hé, tu (Hey, you)." he shouts suddenly at her.

She doesn't respond.

"Hé! ...Docteur!"he yells, raising his voice angrily.

Her mind is finally able to comprehend that Ojore is talking to her, and she opens her eyes and lifts up her head slowly. Her voice is unsteady and her face dark as she tells him in a somber tone, "Tues-moi...il doit étre une bénédiction (Kill me...it would be a blessing)."

The rebels sit mute—stunned—and they barely move.

"S'il vous plaît (Please)," she says flatly, staring a hole through Ojore. After a moment, he collects himself and throws something at her, landing in her lap.

Startled, she inspects it and realizes that it's her passport. All she can do is stare at it.

"Le prends (Take it)," he tells her with an annoyed tone. He glances over to his right as he spots something over in the distance. "C'est la (There it is)," he says, and watches as one rebel sitting near Robin gets up carefully.He grabs her by the arms and lifts her enough to shove her out of the back of the truck––leaving her for dead.

Robin hits the muddy ground hard on her stomach and lets out a painful grunt. Mucky water soaks into her shirt from a large puddle beneath her, and mud seeps into her mouth as she lays on the road. She finally comes to and struggles to push herself up––getting as far as being on her hands and knees. Seeing her passport, she moves one leg up, and kneels with her shoe in the large puddle––trying to balance herself. She grabs her passport, then, struggles to stand––wincing from all the strength she has to build just to do so.

She staggers through the darkness and the heat toward a building nearby––shots can be heard in the distance; who is shooting, and why, is anyone's guess. Peering out into the heavy rain, she starts to see forms—people. Robin realizes where she's at: the hospital in Kisangani.

She wanders through the dying grass and mud; and then suddenly, she slows down as she gets halfway there. Slowly a tiny, very tiny, bit of light drifts into her dark and frightened mind. Misery and happiness engulf her in the darkness, and she falls to her knees. Time stands still.

A woman standing outside the hospital is a witness to the person approaching and falling to their knees. She shouts for someone to come outside.

Dajananother one of the male nurses, runs up to her as she shouts and points frantically. He spots the dark figure in the distance and runs toward it.

Kneeling down quickly, Dajan lifts the person's head. "Oh, God," he says in a low tone.

Robin's body is as cold as death and she barely has a pulse. A deathlike darkness seeps into the corners of her eyes, and her vision fades to black as her eyes close and she loses consciousness. She's aware of her situation; her powers of perception are somewhat intact. Yet she feels detached from her physical body, a spectator at her own death. She starts to fall over onto her side, but Dajan catches her, and then, scoops her into his arms.

He's finally able to stand, and as he does, he takes off toward the crowd under the shelter as the rain keeps falling.

"Restez a l'écort (Get out of the way)!" Dajan yells, reaching the large crowd. Lanterns are hung from nails on the wooden poles that hold up the tarp; and as he makes his way through the sea of people, the villagers can see who he's carrying. Gasps can be heard, and they watch in awe as he disappears inside the hospital.

Racing through the crowded hallway, Dajan makes his way to the operating room––where Angelique is busy washing her hands, having just completed a surgery. "_Angelique! _I need you over here, _now_!" he shouts, glancing at the old clock hanging on the wall. It's three o'clock: the Devil's hour.

She rushes over to the empty gurney as he puts Robin down onto it; her life hangs in the balance. "Oh, my God," she says under her breath, seeing Robin's ashen, ghostly appearance, hovering on the edge of death. "By the looks of it, she should already be dead."

"Well," Dajan says as he hangs a bag of saline on an IV stand, "heaven can wait."

_However long the night, the dawn will break. _

African proverb

------------------------------

_Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state. _

George Eliot

* * *

**_Now the story splits into two endings! Sorry, it's still not separating everything. I'll post the first ending soon!_**


	7. First Ending: Chapters 18 through 21

**-Part 18- **

**"All Souls" **

** December 23 **

In a small, private room, Robin lays in her bed and stares at the ceiling through the mosquito net, unable to sleep. She dwells on everything that's happened to her here in the Congo and keeps asking herself one question: _Why?_

Why didn't the Mai Mai kill her? When Makame had the pistol pointed at her forehead, why did he not pull the trigger? Why didn't the rebels let her die, instead of bringing her back days later?

She doesn't have answers––only multitudes of questions; debating with herself inside her mind as she rests silently in the darkness. The rebels could've taken pity on her, but she doesn't think that's the case. Another thought comes to mind: they could've wanted her to try and help the wounded or any man who might have become ill. She has heard of rebel groups abducting doctors for this reason, but she's still not convinced that that's why they didn't kill her.

A thought comes to her and Robin suddenly realizes what day it is. She sits up, gets out from underneath the mosquito net, and stands. After stretching her arms a little, she pulls out a pair of pants from her duffle bag and makes her way across the hall to the tiny bathroom.

Now dressed, Robin stands beside her bed and puts her hairbrush into her bag.

As she zips it up, Dajan stops at her doorway, wondering why her light is on at three in the morning. "Hey, what are you doing?" he asks in a concerned tone––surprised to see her up and moving about.

Robin turns with her hands on her hips and grins at him. She stays silent for a moment as she thinks of what to say; then, smiles and shrugs, "I'm goin' home."

Dajan looks shocked, "You cannot go home yet, you need more rest."

"I've rested enough, okay?" she says. "I wanna be home for Christmas."

Sighing in frustration, Dajan finally caves and asks her quietly, "Do you want me to call the airport?"

"Would you?" she questions reluctantly, hating to ask him for a favor.

He grins, "Sure... What time would you like to leave?"

Robin studies her watch for a second and tells him, "Uhh...maybe around dawn or so."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do," he says as he walks out of the doorway and down the hall.

Standing in the admit area, debating with himself about whether or not to call the airport in Kinshasa, Dajan's eyes are full of concern––second-guessing her decision to leave so soon after her return, but he knows that she won't change her mind; she's far too stubborn when it comes to her friends back home.

With a sigh, he picks up the receiver and starts to dial the number.

------------------------------

With dark eyes, Robin stares out the window and studies the trees nearby––still wet with rain. She feels strangely at peace, but something is still not right: a part of her is still missing. Before she can think about it too much, a voice sounds from behind her.

"Dr. Shepherd."

She turns to see Dajan standing just inside the door.

"I've arranged a flight for us at seven this morning," he tells her, "and once we land in Kinshasa, there will be a flight to take you to London."

Robin stays silent and grins; then, says in a low tone, "Thank you."

"No problem," he says. A moment goes by quietly, and he asks her, "Do you need any supplies: insulin, syringes?"

She answers, "No, I brought an extra supply of everything in that bag if something happened to the other, so...I'm good to go."

Dajan nods, and then, moves to the doorway. He stops and tells her, "We leave in three-and-a-half hours," and walks out of the room.

Robin watches him disappear, and a sudden, intense rush of nervous agitation seeps into every muscle in her body. She starts ambling around the room in a large circle, slightly limping again because of the brutal ordeal she has sustained. Then, she sits on the bed and stares at the dirty cement floor––tapping her fingers together and wishing that she could leave _now_.

But, in a strange way, Robin _doesn't_ want to go. Life in the Congo is simpler in a way. Patients back home gripe and complain about having to wait to be seen, but the people here are extraordinarily patient––she hasn't heard a negative word out of any one. The villagers and refugees stay and wait for hours and hours upon end; most of the time, even days without complaint. They are remarkably quiet–– the adults anyway––and generous; they would do anything to help anyone in need.

Respect pours from Robin's heart to them, and she admires their strength and wisdom. The people that she has been in contact with here in Kisangani are majestic in her eyes, and they have taught her so much––without even knowing it.

------------------------------

**Two hours later**

A deathly man rests in a dimly lit room––his wife sitting on a stool next to his bed, holding his tired hand. AIDS is ravaging his weak body and he fights to stay alive––hour by hour, minute by minute. A high fever, dehydration, and abdominal pain from a gastrointestinal infection plague the man constantly; and according to his wife, his weight loss has been dramatic. He was once a healthy, muscular man who could do so much; now he has wasted away in a matter of months and is unable to walk now, let alone pick up his own daughter––who sleeps in her distraught mother's arms and is too young to understand what is happening around her.

The man's eyes are wide and staring up at the ceiling; his cheeks are sunken in, making the profile of his chin and cheek bones more noticeable; and you can clearly see his ribs protruding. All that is left is skin and bones.

Suddenly, his eyes move as he spots someone standing in the doorway; his wife blankly looks over to the door, also.

Robin stands quietly and smiles when they see her. "Hello," she says in a low tone.

The man's wife smiles and softly greets her, "Dr. Shepherd...we heard they brought you back to us. How are you feeling?"

She wonders for a moment as she takes a few steps toward the foot of the bed. "Uhh...yeah, not good! Not good," she says and chuckles. Then, the room goes quiet and she looks concerned, "What about you? How are you feelin', Matuko?"

The woman's grin begins to disappear, and she looks up at Robin with sad eyes. "Not good."

Robin nods and knows what Matuko must be going through, seeing her husband wither away. She moves over to the other side of the bed, across from Matuko, and pulls up an old wooden chair to sit down on. "How are you, Dingane?" she asks, watching his head turn toward her slowly.

"Life is hard, and I am ready for it to end," he tells her in his weak African accent.

The corners of Robin's mouth curl into a slight grin, "Don't say_ that_."

"I have realized that I do not have much time left on this earth," Dingane explains. "My life has been good––unlike most of the people here: I had two loving parents, a good education, great friends..." he pauses to slowly look over at his wife and child, "a wonderful wife and daughter..." Returning his gaze to Robin, he continues, "I have been blessed...this illness is just another chapter of my life and it has made me appreciate my whole world and all of the people in it... I am not afraid to die... Neither should you be when your time comes––when you are much older than I am––do not be afraid. Remember that you have done so much good with your life and your gift––people are fortunate to have you in their lives. You mean more to the people close to you than you give yourself credit for..." He pauses. "Dr. Carter spoke of you all the time."

Robin looks down at her hands and lets out a dry laugh.

After a moment, Dingane continues. "Keep your friends and family close to your heart and do not let them slip away."

She nods and grins, "I won't... Thank you."

"Thank _you_," he says, and he reaches out for her hand. She slowly takes it.

Dingane whispers again, "Thank you."

With a warm smile, she whispers back, "You're welcome." She smiles at Matuko and their sleeping daughter, and then lets go of his hand. After sitting with them in silence for a moment, Robin stands and slowly moves to the doorway––turning back to look at them one more time.

"Goodbye, Dr. Shepherd," Dingane says in a low voice.

Robin grins, "...Bye," and, after taking another second or two, she vanishes down the hall.

------------------------------

**An hour and a half later**

Sitting on her bed, deep in thought, Robin slowly drinks a Diet Coke from a glass bottle; she stares at the wall across from her. A nervous energy has been coursing through her veins and her mind moves so fast that she can barely concentrate on anything; she closes her eyes and sighs heavily, trying to relax, but it's no use––her mind continues to race. Suddenly, she remembers something and unzips her duffle bag; she reaches inside and digs around for a moment. She pulls out the pair of pants she had been wearing during her ordeal in the jungle—the same ones splattered with dry, rust-colored blood—and looks in one of the back pockets. There she finds the one thing that has kept her going this whole time: the photo of the ER staff that she had taken out of the frame sitting on her entertainment center in her apartment back home. She had grabbed it right before she went out the door without thinking; something made her take that picture with her. The photograph captures the extraordinary innocence of a different time and world, but it was a time and a world in which she and everyone else looked very comfortable. There are no foreboding shadows, no pensive or melancholic faces, no questions of internal darkness or instability. She has needed them by her side—and in a way, they all have been. This thought comforts her and she closes her tired eyes once more with a grin.

"Dr. Shepherd."

Robin looks up and sees Dajan standing in the doorway. "Yeah?"

"It's time to go," he tells her and disappears.

She sits for a little while longer, then, leans her head back. Pushing herself up, she grabs her duffle bag and puts the strap around her shoulders; then, turns off the light and walks out.

On her way down the hall, she passes a familiar room and looks in as she walks past. She stops, turns, and comes back to the doorway.

Matuko, Dingane's wife, has turned away from the door, and she quietly cries as she holds her daughter. Robin watches with concern, and then, realizes Dingane is no longer breathing––he is dead. His own suffering and pain is over, but not for his family; they must carry on without him.

A voice suddenly gets Robin's attention, "Dr. Shepherd, we have to go."

She glances down the hall and back at Matuko once more, and she slowly starts to amble away.

Outside, Dajan waits patiently for Robin beside to Range Rover.

She emerges from the building and looks up at the sky––painted a beautiful, soft red with the coming of the sun. throwing her bag in the back of the vehicle with a sigh, Robin turns to take one last look at the delapidated hospital and its patients––most of which watch her and wave goodbye with warm grins. She feels strangely at home here in Kisangani, but knows that she cannot stay and waves back to them.

Dajan shuts the back hatch, and they both walk over, open their doors, and climb into their seats. As the man driving the vehicle turns on the engine and begins to drive away, Dajan pulls out a bracelet from his shirt pocket. "This is for you."

Robin grins and marvels at it, "Oh, wow..."

"Amali made it for you the night they brought you back," he tells her––talking of a teenage girl whom Robin had befriended in her first days at the hospital. Amali was stricken with AIDS, also, but could function fairly well.

She stares at the bracelet and smiles; then, she asks Dajan, "What's this mean?"

He sees her pointing to the wooden beads with letters carved into them and answers, "'Njoki': it means 'she who returned (from the dead)'."

Robin is struck by the meaning of the name and seems surprised. "Well...when you get back, tell her I said 'thank you'."

Dajan says nothing.

She looks over at him and is worried by his expression; then, he tells her, "Amali passed away a few hours after we brought you in; she just took a nap and never woke up."

Her face is expressionless and she looks back at her gift. After a moment, she sighs and a hint of a sympathetic grin appears; then, she puts the bracelet on and adjusts it to fit her small wrist. She admires it a little while longer, looks out the window, and sighs once more––watching the trees go by and the sun begin to rise over the hills, as dawn turns into morning. As she takes in the vastness that surrounds her—a gigantic silent world where the future has come and gone—she feels whole and complete for the first time in this tranquillity and beauty. The air is fresh, and the sunlight has a prism-like clarity. A reflection from the sun hits her eyes as the light recedes on the mountains—covered in a clinging damp mist—in long golden shafts. She turns slightly away from the rays as a single tear runs down her face. The chaotic visual impact of this country, this continent, will never leave her. This is the end of Africa.

------------------------------

_We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full. _

Marcel Proust

------------------------------

**

* * *

**

**-Part 19- **

**"Redux" **

------------------------------

_The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. _

------------------------------

_Robin kneels in the dirt at the rebels' camp with her hands behind her head, staring down the barrel of the pistol Makame is pressing against her forehead. _

_She sits in her dark cabin. Sunlight shines through the gaps of the boards––the rays seem almost heavenly. _

_Laying outside in the blinding sunlight, Robin watches helplessly as Makame shoots the rebel, who had been kicking her, in the head; his body crumples down to the ground next to her and stares into her eyes. _

_The second group of rebels has arrived, and Ojore orders them to open fire upon Makame and his men. Blood flies and their bodies hit the dirt. She can hear the voice of the rebel who spoke to her: "You saw nothing." _

Robin's closed eyes suddenly open and she breathes heavily, squirming in her seat. She had just closed her tired eyes to relax for a moment while she listened to music; then, without warning, the flashbacks began––bright flashes of light, sounds, and images played like a horror movie against her eyelids. Her face is ashen and colorless, with no expression; her hands tremble violently, and her eyes dart around nervously––hoping no one is watching her.

She takes her headphones off quickly and leans her head against the seat's headrest, shutting her eyes, trying to calm herself. She sits this way for a moment or two, and then, suddenly shoots up from her seat; a few people glance up at her as she quickly moves to the restroom.

Shutting the door, almost in a state of panic, Robin locks it and turns to the sink beside her. Turning on the faucet, she puts her hands under the icy water and splashes it on her face. She does this several times, keeping her head bowed over the sink and watching the water drip off her face and hit the porcelain. Her face becomes warm and her eyes feel the sting of her tears. Slowly, she raises her head up and is suddenly face-to-face with someone whom she hasn't seen in years––almost a stranger.

Herself.

The wounds on her face are a chilling reminder of what she's been through; everything she's witnessed. "Why am I still_ here_?" she asks almost in a whisper. Then, she starts backing away from the sink until reaches the wall behind her. She rakes her fingers through her hair and slides down the wall toward the floor––holding herself up with her feet; she puts her head back for a moment, then, looks down and stares at the floor.

Her emotions overcome her and her face screams of desperation. "_Why_ am I still here?" she asks again with a dry laugh as tears trail down her cheeks. Struggling to keep from breaking down, she tries to hold back––becoming angrier and angrier because it's so hard.

Then, as if a switch has been turned on in her mind, a sudden wave of comfort and serenity flows through her body, from head to toe, and she no longer feels any pain. Not knowing what to make of this, Robin pushes on her legs to stand, and she steps back up to the sink––turning on the water and splashing her face once again. As she turns the faucet off, she reaches for a cheap paper towel to dry her face with, tosses it in the small trash can, and then, catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror for a second time.

Something is different; something has changed now. Robin doesn't quite know _what_ it is, but she feels it nonetheless. Before opening the door, she sighs loudly, and then, walks out.

Back in the empty rows of seats, Robin sits down next to the window and breathes a small sigh as she peers out over the French countryside––bound for London, and a new start. She's coming home.

------------------------------

**

* * *

**

**-Part 20- **

**"A Promise Kept" **

------------------------------

_People make promises; heroes keep them. _

------------------------------

_(The introduction to _"A Prayer for the Soul of Layla" _by Jamshied Sharifi begins.)_

** December 25, 2:24 a.m. **

Robin sits beside the window and peers out into the sea of lights and buildings that is the Windy City. A hopeful smile is on her face now––she feels peaceful; she's home again.

Inside the bustling O'Hare airport, Robin walks amongst the crowds of people. She seems familiar with everything again; admiring the large glass windows and the stone pillars.

She steps into the city lights and up to the curb, hailing a taxi as she pulls her long black coat tighter around her. A cab pulls up next to her and she gets inside.

_(The second part of the song begins.) _

"Alright, where to?" asks the young driver in a very cheery voice.

"Uhh...," Robin hesitates, "the corner of Ashland and 63rd."

The cabbie nods and pulls away from the curb. He asks her suddenly, "So, are you a priestess or a nun or somethin'?"

She answers with a grin, "Uh, _no_, actually. I'm a doctor. Why?"

"I saw the crosses around your neck, so I just figured..." he grins.

She smiles and nods her head. Something comes to her: that's why the Mai Mai didn't kill her. She remembers the rebels noticing something about her. It had to be the crosses around her neck; after they saw them, they started treating her differently and with more respect.

Suddenly, she looks up at the man and says, "Y'know what...let's go somewhere else."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she says and looks out the window. She grins, "Let's go somewhere else."

_(The third part of the song begins.)_

The cab pulls up to the sidewalk outside and stops. "Here we are!" the young man says. "That'll be $27.50."

"Okay..." Robin says, counting out her money, "there ya go."

The man takes it and smiles, "Welcome back, and Merry Christmas!"

She smiles back, "Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you, too!" She opens the door and grabs her duffle bag as she gets out of the car. After she shuts the door, the car drives off, and Robin puts her bag over her shoulder. She glances up and down the sidewalk and feels more at home than ever before. She hears the El train overhead and looks up; then, she walks to the corner. She's at County; after the long ride home, she has finally made it.

_(The final part of the song begins.) _

Taking another look around, she grins as winds of change begin to swirl around her. Her pain is gone and she is finally at peace––ready for a new beginning. Robin, then, slowly starts her walk into the ambulance bay and snow begins to gently fall.

_(The song ends as the doors slide open to the ER and Robin steps inside.) _

Stepping out of the shadows and standing in the admit area, Robin searches the room with her eyes and recognizes some of the people who are waiting; she's probably treated a few of them. A grin appears on her face, taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells of the hospital in which she's worked for the past eleven-and-a-half years––and the one place that she's missed terribly over the past two-and-a-half weeks. This place holds her like a womb. Sighing, she moves over across the room to the admit window––where an angry man argues with Sam over when he's going to be seen.

"C'mon, I've been sittin' here for an hour!" the guy says sternly.

Sam tells him in a harsh tone, "Sir, _take_ your seat and _calm_ down! We'll be with you as soon as we_ can_!" She slides the glass over, and the man scoffs and stomps back to his seat.

Robin grins wider and looks up at the glass. She sees the piece of paper taped up to the opposite side of the window and tries to see if she can make out what it says. Searching for a name at the bottom, she can tell that someone's written the note; she realizes it's her letter.

Touched by this, she has to take a moment before she can say anything. Finally getting her composure, Robin clears her throat silently, leans in toward the hole cut in the glass, and speaks in a Canadian voice to throw Sam off. "Excuse me, miss. Did they ever find that missing doctor, or is she still M.I.A.?"

Sam's confused, and she asks the person as she stands up and slides the glass back over, "Wait, how'd you know about Rob––" and then, she stops. Her face has a blank expression and she goes numb, staring at the face of a ghost. "Oh, my God," Sam says in disbelief, seeing the return of a stranger.

"Hey," Robin tells her in a low tone; she laughs, "Merry Christmas." Her hero's welcome has begun.

Sam realizes that she's not just seeing things, "Oh, my God." She rushes over to the security doors and opens them, meeting Robin in the doorway. Before she can put down her luggage, Sam hugs her; and as tears come to her eyes, Sam says quietly, "I can't believe this."

After a moment, they let go and step out of the doorway. Before the doors close, the man who had been arguing with Sam shouts, "Hey! Why does _she_ get to go in?"

"She's a doctor here," Sam yells back.

"Well, she can go to hell!"

Robin holds the doors open as the begin to slide shut and says to him, "Oh, I've _been_ there, thank you! I found it quite _lovely_!" She wears a sarcastic grin and lets the doors close.

Sam shouts to everyone at the admit desk, "Hey, guys, look who's here."

Jerry, Neela, Pratt, and Elizabeth glance up to see the person they never thought they'd see again. As the four quickly make their way toward her, Elizabeth says, "Oh, my God," in her familiar English tone. The long wait to see her again is over.

Robin puts her duffle bag down as Jerry picks her up off the floor and squeezes her––looking like a huge grizzly bear hugging a Raggedy Anne doll. "God, Jerry, you're killin' me!" she laughs.

He sets her down and smiles, "I'm sorry!"

"Aw, don't worry about it," she reassures him.

Neela steps up to her and hugs her.

"Hey, how are you?" Robin asks with a warm smile on her face.

"Well, I'm shocked right _now_," she tells her; and as they let go, she adds, "I still can't believe you're here!"

"You're tellin' me, I almost bought the big enchilada," she laughs. Looking over at Elizabeth, Robin can see that she's anxious to say hello, and so she smiles and motions to her.

As they hug each other, Elizabeth sighs and tells her, "We've missed you."

She grins, "I missed you, too."

They let go, and she turns to Pratt, who smiles and asks in a deep silken voice, "Hey, how's my girl doin'?" and kisses her on the cheek—which she returns to him.

"It's hard to say," she answers as she puts her arms around his shoulders. After a moment, she steps back; then, she sighs loudly, "Y'know what...aside from the fact that I was beat-up a little––_mentally_, I haven't felt this good in a long time. I mean, it'll take some time to get over everything that happened while I was there––if that isn't hell, I don't know what is––but it was all worth it..." She pauses. "I'm home to stay."

"We're glad to know that you're feeling better," Elizabeth says; everyone nods in agreement with her.

Sam adds, "Yeah, it's great to have you back."

"Thank you," Robin smiles and looks at her feet. She suddenly looks around and notices the patients, which are few and far between here in the wee morning hours of Christmas. "Hey, you guys have patients and stuff, don't let me keep you."

"Are you sure" Neela asks––not really wanting to leave.

"_Yeah_, go! I'll be fine," she says.

"Alright," Pratt tells her as he starts to go down the hall, "but you tell us everything that happened there, okay?"

"You got it," she grins—not exactly wanting to tell them all about the horrible things she's seen that are disturbing beyond description—and watches them go back to work. As they all disappear, Robin stands silently with her luggage still at her feet. Her exhaustion is almost too much for her to bear, but she doesn't want to leave. "Hey, Jerry," she asks, "who else is on tonight?"

He tries to think, and answers, "Uhh, Susan went up to CT, and Abby's sick in Exam 3."

"Sick? What's wrong with her?"

"Really bad cold," he says. "She took a shift, but we told her to take it easy since it's so slow, so she's been zonked out on cold medicine for about..." he glances at his watch, "four hours!"

Robin giggles and nods her head. She picks up her bag and asks, "Could ya watch this for me?"

He nods, "Sure thing!" and she moves over behind the desk and drops it.

Walking toward the trauma rooms, she turns around and adds, "Oh, and when Susan comes back down, don't tell her I'm here––I wanna surprise her!"

"You got it, Dr. S."

------------------------------

_I offer you peace _

_I offer you love _

_I offer you friendship _

_I hear you cry _

_I see your beauty _

_I feel your pain _

Prayer

------------------------------

The door to Exam 3 slowly opens and Robin quietly steps in, trying to stay light on her feet and making sure the door doesn't make any noise as it closes behind her. She turns her back to the door and her gaze falls on the fragile form of Abby––seeing her resting peacefully on the gurney in front of her. A grin appears on her face; then, she spots a stool, slowly rolls it over to the bedside and sits down.

Robin's eyes become even more used to the darkness; the soft light tries to make its way through the window in the door, but is made dim by the grayish-blue blinds shielding it. She looks over at Abby and silently laughs to herself, seeing a tissue in one of her hands and several more scattered and wadded up near the pillow. Robin focuses on her own hands—her smile shrinking smaller.

Even though she appears to be sound asleep, Abby's antihistamine medication is finally beginning to wear off, and she slowly comes out of her peaceful slumber. She heard the footsteps just a moment ago, and she can sense someone in the room; a familiar warmth rests beside her. She wants to see who's watching over her, but she can't seem to open her eyes.

Staring at the wheels of the bed, Robin's lack of sleep is taking over, and she gets weaker by the second; still, she keeps her quiet vigil. Thoughts stream through her mind, but one sticks out more than the rest: being removed from the stir of society and yearning to be with the ones she loves more than anything. That's how she felt even before she got the call from Carter; since her attack back in October, Robin had gradually started to shut everyone out––she didn't let anyone _in_ anymore. The chaos in her lost and broken mind began to mirror the chaos in her life. She's struggled to find her faith—which she's found, once again. It seemed that every other month drew her down into another version of a disturbing purgatory. She found it to be seductively complicated. She was sucked into seductive and disastrous lows. Slowly, the darkness began to weave its way into her mind, and before long she was hopelessly out of control. She could not follow her own thoughts. Sentences flew around in her head and fragmented first into phrases and then words; finally, only sounds remained. The acceleration from the blues to near-madness was a slow and beautifully seductive one. These fiery, black, unpredictable moods had made her impatient with life as it was and made her restless for more—which is why she went on this dangerous journey, in order to heal and bind up the massive long-standing wounds. Her grim despair has been a fascinating, albeit deadly, enemy and companion, and it has nearly cost her her life. But now, like a phoenix from the ashes, she has come back to life stronger than ever and ready to move on. This baptism has given both her mind and heart the chance to slowly put back together most of that which has been ripped apart. One comes out of an experience such as this with a more surrounding sense of death, and of life. She had forgotten what it was like to be that open to wind and rain and beauty, and she can feel life seeping back into crevices of her body and mind that she had completely written off as dead of dormant. It's given her back herself again, given her back her high hopes of life. And it's given her back her belief in love. She's found a renewed belief in life, and it has become worth not losing. For the first time in almost nine months, she feels that this "shattered mind" of hers has mended. Not completely, but significantly. Still she is unquestionably raw and unhealed inside. Many scars remain and she knows that under some conditions she will regress suddenly and dramatically. But also, she is confident, for the time being.

Abby stirs suddenly, and Robin looks over at her––a grin crossing her face as anticipation runs through her, being able to talk to her best friend once more after such a trying experience. Not bothering to open her eyes, Abby's still half asleep as she mumbles in a gravelly tone, "Who's there?"

Robin answers sincerely, "A friend."

It takes Abby a few moments to respond. She asks blankly, "Who?"

She grins and whispers, "It's Robin."

Abby doesn't move––her mind isn't able to register who it is exactly. "Oh...okay," she says.

Laughing silently to herself, Robin smiles and whispers, "Okay." After a moment of affectionate silence drowning everything else, she decides to leave and let Abby rest; she stands slowly–– rolling the chair back to where she found it.

As she steps over to the door and puts her hand on the door handle, a low, raspy voice speaks up, "Wait... _Rob_?"

Robin turns to see Abby pushing herself up and sitting on the edge of the bed, wiping her eyes.

Abby squints as she looks at the silhouette near the door––her eyes slowly beginning to focus. She wonders if she's dreaming or if her tired mind is making her see the illusion of her missing friend. As she sees Robin turn fully around and realizes that this isn't a dream or a figment of her imagination, Abby's eyes begin heating up with emotion as she takes her in from head to toe. She sees her fresh makeup-less face, trusting, caring; her color has grown vivid; the deadly gauntness is gone from her face. She's come back, just as she promised. Abby whispers, "Oh, my God," and puts a hand over her mouth in disbelief. Finding her here––the person who's been on her mind all this time––is almost too much for her.

Robin wears a warm grin. "Hi," she says in a soft-spoken voice.

"Hi," she responds, uncertain of what to say; she drops her hand. "We thought you were _missing_," she says with sad eyes.

Thinking of her own baptism of fire and looking at the floor for a second, Robin tells her, "I was...until about three or four days ago."

"Why didn't anyone _call_ us and _tell_ us?" she asks––her emotions starting to take hold. Her voice is quiet, but with a strong edge.

Robin's grin returns, "Because I told 'em not to... I wanted to surprise you guys."

Abby lets out a laugh and looks down as she wipes a tear away from her face, "Ya sure did a hell of a good job." As Robin laughs, Abby pulls out her letter from her pocket. "The day you sent this...we didn't know that that was gonna be the last time we heard from you... We made a copy of it and hung it up."

"Yeah, I saw that when I came in," she tells her, smiling.

After a moment, Abby continues, "I've carried this with me this whole time...and I never got tired of reading it... I read it so much, I'm surprised it hasn't started falling apart yet." She pauses, "Everyone's been reading it...just before I came in here, I saw Susan looking at it."

As Abby takes a moment to gather her thoughts, Robin looks down and closes her eyes as she says softly––almost whispering, "I'm sorry."

She looks at her, confused, "For what?"

"For everything," she confesses. "For...dragging you and everybody else down with me; for making you worry... And I'm also sorry that everybody else isn't here to hear this," she glances at the door, then, back at Abby.

"It's okay," she tells her with a small grin, "...we're just glad you're alright." She puts her feet on the floor and stands. "You _are_ okay...aren't you?" she asks sympathetically, searching Robin's warm, inviting eyes.

"Well...aside from the fact that I never thought I'd see another day, and the fact that I'm all scraped and bruised up," Robin tells her, and angelic smile stretching across her face—flashing something livelier than a ghost of an old grin—as she continues, "...I'm, uh...I'm _good_... Yeah, I'm-I'm good." She drops her gaze, letting out a sigh of relief.

_(The music from season 4's _"Family Practice" _begins to play softly.) _

The room is shrouded in silence, and Abby is now confident that Robin is finally at peace with herself and wants to move on––away from the chaos of the past few months and back to the way she used to be. Her happiness and respect for her is too overwhelming, and her watery eyes glisten in the soft light from the window. She studies Robin's battered face—bearing the marks of cuts from her captors. Everything she's witnessed is captured and imprisoned in the dark depths of her eyes. She can tell that her previous fatigue and depression seems to be lifting, letting the person she's always known shine through again. Her eyes flicker, taking in the change. She hasn't seen a genuine smile grace her lips in some while. Abby smiles through her tears, "I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time."

Robin chuckles and looks up to see Abby sobbing quietly. "Hey, it's okay," she whispers and steps toward her.

Abby manages a grin as she wipes away a tear, and then, stepping up to meet her, reaches out and pulls her in for a hug––slowly wrapping her arms around her waist and placing her hands on her back. She wants to sink into her and sleep—which she's just about ready to do because of the cold medicine. She fights her tears and says finally, "We thought we lost you."

"I know, I know," Robin whispers, as Abby lets out stifled sobs.

"To think that you were out there somewhere, where they couldn't find you...it was a nightmare... That was a brave thing you did...going there."

Robin says with a grin, "It was stupid, what I did."

Abby shakes her head, "No...you made a difference in people's lives over there... You change lives _here_, too." She starts to sob again as she tells her, "_You_ are the strongest person I know with...the _bravest_ heart. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Cradling her friend in her arms, Robin's voice is a soothing whisper, "Hey, hey...shhhhh." She pauses. "I know, I know..." She shushes her again and drags it out for a few seconds as Abby grows quiet––turning her head in toward Robin's and resting her eyes.

Robin rests her cheek against Abby's forehead.

"You look tired... You should go home and get some sleep," Abby says.

Robin smiles and murmurs, "I've got time."

The peaceful silence continues and engulfs the entire room as the two friends stand in the shadows, in one another's protective hold—arms tightly around one another, holding the world at bay, giving each other comfort and safety. Abby sighs gently, and after a moment, she whispers lightly, "I'm so glad you're home,"––holding on to her like there's no where else she'd rather be.

Robin grins and offers the comforting words, "It's gonna be alright... Everything's gonna be alright." She listens to Abby's quiet breathing: soothing, rhythmic, and deep.

Remembering the wish she made on the night the staff learned that Robin was still missing, Abby thinks to herself, _"Thank you,"_—thanking God, or whatever force it was that brought her best friend back home: her angel.

Then, as if she knew about her wish, Robin barely whispers the healing words: "Merry Christmas, Abby."

_(The song ends.)_

------------------------------

_To look upon these eyes of wonder and awe, _

_ we come wholly into life's mystery. _

_To allow this mystery to penetrate our lives, _

_ is to live wrapped in an angel's embrace. _

Jonathan Flaum

------------------------------

* * *

**-Part 21- **

**"Stand" **

------------------------------

_Courage is not defined by who fought and did not fall, but by who fought, fell, and rose again. _

------------------------------

** Later that night **

The ER staff has gathered, down the street from County, at Ike's for the annual staff Christmas party. Music from the jukebox fills the air—some people are dancing; some are just standing around talking; some play pool or darts. It's almost time for Haleh to come on the stage to treat the staff to some Christmas tunes—as she does every year. This year, though, will be extra special, for the reason only a few of the staffers know about.

The music dies down, and Haleh finally steps up onto the small stage, with everyone clapping for her. She smiles as she talks into the microphone, "Thank you... Alright, everybody...before we begin, there's a big surprise for most of you—a few of you already know what's goin' on... So, ladies and gentlemen...let's give a warm welcome to someone who we all know and love... C'mon out, girl!"

The door to the women's bathroom opens, and Robin steps out shyly.

Gasps can be heard in the crowd, and everyone gives her a warm round of applause; a few people give some loud whistles and cheer for her. Carter and Kem—sitting at the bar—stand up, in awe at the simple fact that she's home, and clap. Luka, standing with Sam—who knows about her return during the early morning hours—is speechless as he beams with tears in his eyes. Abby, Neela, and Elizabeth stand together—their eyes misted with tears of happiness. Everyone's so grateful that Robin has defied the odds to return home; they're so proud of her for going on this deadly journey to try and find herself—they respect her more for it. They all watch her, making her way through the crowd—people patting her on the back and cheering her on.

Robin finally approaches the stage and steps up next to Haleh, giving her a hug before she moves back to let her speak. She stands proudly in front of her friends and colleagues, humbled by the reception she's getting. The clapping and cheering dies down as she gets ready to bear her soul to them. They share a hushed intimate silence. Suddenly, a surprising _"WOO!" _comes from Morris—happy to see her. It's surprising because Robin had a scuffle with him just two weeks before she left, beating him up in front of everyone.

"Thanks, Archie," she laughs into the mike. The giggles from the crowd disappear, she sees them all smiling sweet encouragement, and she speaks—softly and near-hypnotically:

_"I wanna thank you all for that wonderful welcome... Uh, I had a hell of a time keepin' this a secret for seventeen hours! Thanks to the few of you who did know and kept it quiet! ...Uh...when I left a few weeks ago, I didn't know who I was...I lost myself somewhere along the way. I went to Africa with the hope that I would be there for a week, find happiness, and come home. There must be somethin' in the water over there, 'cause everyone comes home a changed person," _she says, letting out a slight laugh—along with everyone else. After a moment, her grin slowly disappears, and she continues,_ "But things didn't go as planned... I ended up staying for almost three weeks in a place that was the closest thing to hell that I've ever experienced... I never thought I'd be here again... After I was abducted, at one point near the end, I gave up... I did a stupid thing... I told one of the rebels to do something for me... I ordered him to do it..."_ She can see that everyone knows what she's talking about. _"But that stupid thing, I'm pretty sure...ended up saving my life... But it took just that to make me appreciate all that I have and everyone I love. The entire time I was in that jungle, I thought about all of you constantly. I carried a photo of all of us in my back pocket... When I was taken...you were with me...and that gave me strength... I knew I had to fight..."_ Robin begins to break as she stands nobly—honorably. Her eyes brim with tears and heat up as she continues on—her voice shaking._ "I took everything and everyone for granted, but then, I realized what I have... I wanted to see you smile; I wanted to see you laugh; I wanted to see your faces one more time... It was those thoughts that kept me alive... You kept me alive... You've pulled me through day after impossibly hard day... Without you, I never would've survived... I know that I haven't been the easiest person to get along with lately...so, thank you for putting up with me... Thank you for stayin' by my side when I needed you...for believing in me when I couldn't do it myself...for makin' sure I was alright when I was in trouble... But most of all...for loving me as much as you do... I can't repay you for all that you've done for me... All I can do is love you back...and believe me when I say that...I do... I would move heaven and earth and sacrifice my life for every one of you... You remind me of who I am...and I'm sorry I hurt you... I have a second chance at life...and I know what I have now... I can't leave this..."_ She pauses. _ "J'y suis, et J'y reste... That means 'Here I am, and here I stay'..." _ She speaks the words more true than they've ever been._ "I love you." _

Robin wipes a tear away from her cheek and steps back.

The room erupts with applause once again—everyone's touched by her loving words; most of them have tears in their eyes. They're relieved: relieved to hear something that they know in their mind of minds to be true; she's back. Their granite belief that hers is a life worth living is one thing that has kept her alive. Everyone's love for each other has, inexplicably and savingly, provided not only cloak but lantern for the darker seasons and grimmer weather. They watch her: deeply tanned, somehow older, happier. She's the same and yet profoundly different. Her eyes shine—something no one ever thought they'd see again. In so many ways her sensitivity is beyond her years. Her storms have subsided.

No one stops as she walks back to the mike and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado...the lovely and talented, Mrs. Haleh Adams!" She lets out a small laugh through her tears as she says her name and hugs her. Robin walks off the stage, clapping and smiling as "O Holy Night" begins, into the crowd of friends around her. She hugs Kerry, Elizabeth, Neela, Susan, and Abby, one by one. She sees Luka and Sam and embraces them— surprised to see Luka crying. Then, she sees John and Kem—the last two people here who saw her alive before they left her in the Congo; she hugs Kem first, then she stands in front of Carter for a moment.

His eyes mist over with tears, and he starts to cry as he pulls her toward him in an embrace. "I'm sorry, Rob," he sobs.

She pulls away and looks at him, "Don't worry about it, okay? I don't blame you for anything... It was meant to happen this way...don't worry."

John has a tough time accepting this, but nods and smiles. After a moment, Carter glances up at Haleh on the stage, then, back at Robin. "May I have the first dance of the night?" he asks.

She beams at him, "You may," and laughs; she quickly looks over at Kem, "If that's alright with you."

Kem smiles, "Sure, go right ahead."

Robin and Carter move out a little, and he takes her hand in his own. As they dance slowly with one another, John can't help but look at her in a way he never has before. "I'm so glad you're here," he says softly to her.

She blushes and grins; then, she moves closer to him and kisses his cheek—his beard tickles her face. She pulls away and looks at him, as if to say, "Thank you."

On this night, as she stands in her utopia, she has what any person could wish for: a life and the love of her friends. They are a family, and everything is as it should be.

_(The scene continues with the staff dancing and the music playing; it, then, fades to black.) _

------------------------------

_A person travels the world over in search of what they need and returns home to find it. _

George Moore

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* * *

**_There's the first ending! Hope you liked it! I'll post the second ending soon!_**


	8. Second Ending: Chapters 18 through 20

**-Part 18- **

**"Last Flight Out" **

** Chicago, December 22 **

The phone rings off the hook at the admit desk and no one seems to notice. Susan and Gallant are busy with charts, Chuny is searching for something on the computer, and Frank is on another phone. It's a busier day than usual and Susan's nerves are almost shot; she says loudly, "Could somebody answer the phone, please?"

Frank puts his hand over the receiver and says over his shoulder, "I would, but I'm not talented enough to talk on two phones at once."

Susan gets irritated, "Okay, that's it," and snatches the receiver, "ER." After a moment, she seems confused. "What?" she says, trying to hear the person on the other end. "Could you hold on for a second, please? Thank you," she says and takes the phone away from her mouth. "Can everybody _shut-up_?!" she yells over the noise; everyone hushes quickly, startled by her tone. As they all quietly go back to what they were doing, she continues the conversation with the caller. "I'm sorry about that, sir. Who did you say you needed to speak to?" She nods and asks everyone, "Does anyone know where Carter is?"

"He's in the suture room, I think," Gallant tells her.

She tells the man, "Dr. Carter is busy with a patient right now; I'm Dr. Susan Lewis, his co-worker, can I take a message?" As she listens, her eyes find a spot on the desk and stay there; her face turns pale and expressionless––unmoving and distraught with wide eyes. Every drop of blood in her body runs cold. The man's words don't register in her head; they sound jumbled and disorganized as Susan pictures her face as she left that day––lost, but hopeful of finding her way back to the way she used to be. She strains her body while trying to hear the voice on the other end. She fights for words but can only come up with one: "How?"

She doesn't want to hear the words, but she listens anyway. After a moment, she closes her eyes and says flatly, "Thank you for letting us know..." She nods, "Okay...we'll be waiting for her... Thank you," and slowly hangs up the phone. She stands rigid, afraid to move; then, she announces in a heavy monotone voice, "Frank, close us to trauma."

"What? _Why?_" he asks, thinking that she's lost her mind.

Susan shows no annoyance or anger, but replies, "Just do it." She's concerned for the staff's fragile morale after she breaks the horrible news, which, in her mind, justifies her sudden rash decision. Stuck in a whole other world in this moment, she keeps her eyes glued to the same spot on the desk; she can't move a muscle; her face, sick with despair. She can't bear the thought of what she has to do now. It's an awesome burden.

Gallant looks at her and asks, "You alright, Dr. Lewis?"

Her face doesn't change as she tells him, "No."

Her tone is full of hopelessness, and Chuny takes notice and turns around––disregarding the computer. Gallant can see that something is seriously wrong and asks gently, "Dr. Lewis, what's wrong? Who was that?"

Dreading to tell everyone, Susan turns around; but instead of telling them the problem, she asks, "Where's Abby?"

Concerned, Frank says, "Trauma 1." With this, Susan begins the long march toward the trauma room, knowing that Abby should be the first to hear the news. Her friends watch on, baffled.

Slowly walking up to the doors of Trauma 1, Susan peers through the glass as Abby works with a patient. With a sigh, she gently pushes one of the doors open and walks in.

Abby is busy putting a splint on a man's leg; and, having her back to the doors, she doesn't hear Susan come in. "Abby?"

"Yeah?" she replies as she drags her eyes away from her patient and looks over her shoulder at her. She doesn't like what she sees and tries to turn away, but Susan's eyes won't let her go. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Susan takes in some air and tells her, "Abby...I, uh...I need to talk to you."

She knows from her disturbing tone of voice that it's something she doesn't want to hear, but it grabs her attention anyway. She knows she can't leave her patient with a half-splinted leg. "Well, can it wait a few minutes, I'm kinda busy––"

"No...it can't," she interrupts.

Abby nods and searches for someone to take over. "Pratt," she shouts into Exam 2, "can you finish this?"

"Sure," he says and makes his way into the room; he sees Susan standing in the doorway. "You alright, Dr. Lewis?"

She shakes her head and answers blankly, "No... Look, I've gotta tell everybody something, so could you round them up after you're through in here?"

Pratt nods, confused, "You got it."

Susan pauses, and then, opens the door for Abby, who asks as she walks out, "Susan, what's goin' on?"

"I've gotta tell you something," she says following her.

Moments later in the lounge, Abby shifts around nervously as Susan tries to find her words.

"You might wanna sit down," she suggests.

Abby reluctantly moves over to the couch with a sigh and takes a seat.

Susan stands a few feet in front of her; she closes her eyes and opens her mouth, as if to say something, but she can't speak. Then, suddenly, she looks down as she admits, "Something's happened."

Abby's brows shoot up as she gets irritated with her vagueness and questions, _"What?"_

Taking a deep breath, Susan continues, "I just got a phone call..."

Having enough, Abby raises her voice, "Would you just _tell_ me what the hell's goin' on here?!"

"It's Robin," Susan answers quickly and as gently as possible, watching as Abby becomes silent––her eyes hard, her face relaxing and losing its emotion altogether.

She's floored; her blood runs cold inside; her mind is blurred. Without thinking, she asks softly, "Is she hurt?"

Susan doesn't say a word.

Abby's eyes fill with tears as she begins to realize the painful truth of what has happened. Suddenly, she brokenly asks the tragic question, "...Is she dead?"

Not being able to bring herself to say the awful words, Susan simply nods her head.

Abby drops her gaze to the floor, feeling as though she's lost in a dream she can't wake up from. The tears streak down her face and she asks softly, "Did they kill her?"

Slowly sitting down next to her, Susan tries to ease her mind a little, "No... They brought her back a couple of hours ago; they left her in the road, and she walked back to the hospital there; but by the time they saw her coming, she passed out from exhaustion... Her body just gave up on her."

Abby tries to fend off a breakdown as she sits in the darkness with Susan––unspoken pain flowing as tears from her eyes; just the thought of having to say goodbye to the one person who has been there through so much is too much for her to bear. Robin is her haven, her Godsend, her anchor; but now she's gone and nothing can be done.

Susan is about to deliver a blow none of the staff will ever forget. She feels like an executioner.

A powerful wave of sorrow and unrest has just begun to hit the ER, and the staff will once again have to carry on without one of its strongest members.

------------------------------

"I can't believe this," Sam admits sullenly, her eyes filling with tears. Luka stands beside her and, being struck dumb by the news also, can only find the energy to put a hand on her back to console her. Neela sits in a chair next to Sam, staring at the floor in denial. Frank stands next to her, his hands in the pockets of his pale blue lab coat, and his eyes shifting from one person to the other, wondering if anyone will say anything. Pratt and Gallant sit on the desk in front of the patient board; Pratt stares at his hands; Gallant holds himself up by putting all of his weight on his hands and clutching the edge of the desk, hanging his head with a sigh. Elizabeth leans against the desk, expressionless and silent with a blank stare. A disturbed Carter stands with his arms crossed, staring at one of the computer screens in front of him—filled with overwhelming guilt, anger, and sadness; he has volunteered to take on the horrifying task of contacting her family. Chuny and Malik stand by one another, speechless. Susan stands frigidly, wondering if this is all just a dream; she will never forget delivering this death blow to everyone standing here. Finally, Abby leans against the desk, holding herself with one arm and putting her other hand over her mouth; her eyes are misted with tears, the sadness slowly streaking down her cheeks.

The staff's worst fears have come true, and they have left them bruised and broken. There's a deepening realization that there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change that which is true. It's all a blur of sounds and agonizing memories, intense pain, and tears. Unspoken questions fill the air between them. The circle of friends stands powerless, spellbound by the dire news from half the world away.

"What do we do now?" Neela questions, breaking the dead silence.

No one answers or mutters a word for a long while––afraid of what to say. Everyone exchanges sad, heartbroken glances.

"We..." Susan begins, but stops and looks down. She keeps her composure, for the most part, and continues, slightly sighing, "We carry on... That's all we can do."

They all know that she's right, even Susan herself, but they know that it will take a lot of time. They're not ready to let go.

Abby sniffs and wipes a tear away, "Easier said than done."

With these words comes an empty sound that descends upon the staff and the entire ER, suspended in a whole separate realm while time speeds by and the rest of the world moves on.

------------------------------

_My life has been touched _

_because we have walked _

_a special walk together _

_because you matter to me _

_because we are friends _

_because you have given me courage _

_because I care _

_and I love you. _

Pat McKay

------------------------------

** Kisangani, DRC **

A young doctor greets Kahleem and the escorts as he approaches the old white Range Rover not far from the crumbling runway. After talking to them briefly, he moves to the back of the vehicle and places his luggage inside. As he walks back around, he spots two men placing a gurney onboard the small plane he just stepped off of minutes ago; a human form wrapped in white is strapped onto it. "Who's that?"

"She is a doctor from Chicago...she _was_," Kahleem says heavily—he hates to say "was". He watches the young doctor––who wants to know more.

"What happened to her?"

He was not looking forward to that question, but tells him dreadfully, "She was a diabetic, and the Mai Mai rebels abducted her a week ago. She grew weak and tired, as even the strongest person would in her situation in the forest... They brought her back last night, alive; but her body gave up on her." He stops to look down, and then, raises his gaze to the gurney again, "She was far stronger than we ever gave her credit for."

The door of the plane slams shut, and moments later it slowly moves down the tarmac, gaining speed quickly. The two men watch as the plane takes off, rising above the palm trees, and bound for the capital––where a second plane awaits to take the fallen doctor back home where she belongs.

------------------------------

**

* * *

**

**-Part 19- **

**"Wake in the Mourning" **

------------------------------

_Non ti scordar di me. (Do not forget me.) _

------------------------------

_The world is gone. I must carry you. _

Paul Celen

------------------------------

_(The music at the end of season 7's _"The Visit"_ begins softly.)_

** Christmas Day, December 25 **

A gentle rain falls across the city, bringing with it a smothering blanket of pain and sorrow. A crowd of black umbrellas can be seen from above, gathered around a dark wooden casket with beautiful flowers resting on the top.

The ER staff and the family and friends of the fallen doctor have all come to mourn the tragic loss of someone who has been through it all. Everyone is stone-faced and subdued as they listen to the holy words spoken by the priest. Among the crowd are some familiar faces of some of those who have not been around for a while: Dr. William Swift; Dr. Doug Ross and Nurse Carol Hathaway; Jeannie Boulet and her husband Reggie; Drs. Peter Benton and Cleo Finch (and Peter's biological son, Reece); Dr. Dave Malucci; Carter's father is beside him, along with Kem; Sam's son, Alex, stands between her and Luka; Susan's boyfriend, Chuck, is by her side; and finally, Abby's brother, Eric, and mother, Maggie, stand on either side of her as she becomes more faint of heart with every moment.

Everyone stands powerless: paralyzed with sadness from the loss and afraid to even move, because they know that if they do, they won't be able to awaken from this horrible nightmare. Her loss is a wound that will not heal for a long while, and it's easy to see her friends and family are having trouble coping with it.

They've kept her alive a thousand times over. They've seen her through madness, despair, disillusionments and triumphs, recurrences of illness, an almost fatal beating, the death of a man she loved to hate, and the enormous pleasures and aggravations of her personal life—in short, they saw her through the beginnings and endings of virtually every aspect of her psychological and emotional adult life. They've been very tough, as well as very kind. They've never been seduced into losing sight of the overall perspective of how costly, damaging, and life-threatening her illnesses were. They've had an ease with ambiguity, a comfort with complexity, and were able to be decisive in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. They stubbornly believed that she would make it through her depression and, ultimately, thrive. They treated her with respect, wit, and an unshakable belief in her ability to get well, and make a difference. Their love could not, however, provide any meaningful protection against the terrible agitation and pain with in her mind.

A shroud of grief covers the entire group as the priest pauses; then, he asks, "Is there anyone who would like to say a few words?"

No one says a word; they exchange quick glances, wondering if someone should say anything––which they all know they should.

Carter sees Abby look down and close her eyes.

She takes a deep breath and looks up, "I would."

The priest nods, steps back, and gives a comforting smile.

She takes her umbrella and walks over to the priest's spot at the head of the casket. She pulls a piece of paper out of her coat pocket. She is at a loss for words at the moment—even as she looks at the words she's written—and everyone can see it in her eyes––dark and cold––but they become brighter as she talks. She takes another deep breath and begins.

_"All of you know how hard this is for me...but, it would be hard for any of us. Robin was a hero to so many people, for so long––she just didn't want to believe it," _she smiles. _"She faced danger head-on so many times, and that made the rest of us feel stronger...protected...safe," _her voice breaks as her emotions begin to show; she pauses a moment. _"Over the past nine months, she was having a really hard time. She found out that she was a diabetic; then, months later, she was attacked and nearly died; and she witnessed the death of Dr. Romano... I wasn't surprised when I heard that she was gonna go to Africa; she was in too much pain...she needed a change––she was lost. It's lonely when you don't even know yourself... She was pushed beyond her limits. She had two diseases: one of the body, and one of the mind. They were only one facet of her, not the whole Robin... We could see past them, but sadly, she couldn't. We always believed deep down that loving her enough would make a difference, or help, or maybe even cure her..." _ Abby stops as she remembers the last time she saw her best friend.

_"I said goodbye to her at the airport...and as she walked away, she turned around and told me to tell you all that she loves you...that she loves all of us... It was the last thing she ever said to me." _ Abby's emotions are too overwhelming and tears stream down her face. _"It's so hard to say goodbye to someone who's been telling me to hold on all these years... She always went the extra mile... She bared her troubled soul to us and shared her giving heart. The funny thing is, she was a healer of hearts...but she couldn't save her own. I trusted Robin more than anyone else in my life, from the first day I met her...I knew she was someone I could trust. She was intensely loyal... When something happened to me, good or bad, she was the first person I thought of to go to...I turned to her—whether it was in my darkest hour, or my brightest... She could say so much, sometimes without even saying a word. Even when we had absolutely nothing to talk about, sitting there with her...in that silence...was a reward in itself; that's what I loved the most. When she looked into your eyes, you could tell she was looking right into your soul. It made you feel warm...safe, loved...accepted. I realize that to love and trust so completely, and be loved and trusted so completely, is a gift that comes around once in a few lifetimes. While our pain is somewhat temporary, our love for her is permanent... She was invincible in my eyes," _Abby smiles, _"she still is... I feel as though I've lost a piece of my heart, and myself... _

_"There's a poem that she loved, and she told it to me years ago... It's been with me ever since...especially in the past few weeks..." _ She begins:

_"Do not stand at my grave and weep; _

_I am not there. I do not sleep._

_I am a thousand winds that blow. _

_I am the diamond glints on snow. _

_I am the sunlight on ripened grain. _

_I am the gentle autumn rain. _

_When you awaken in the morning's hush _

_I am the swift uplifting rush _

_Of quiet birds in circled flight. _

_I am the soft stars that shine at night. _

_Do not stand at my grave and cry; _

_I am not there. I did not die". _

She pauses as the tears still stream from her eyes. _"She's an extraordinary woman with a brilliant mind, a heart of gold, and a tortured soul. No one who met her was left unimpressed or unaffected. How could we have tried so hard, and cared so much, and loved her so enormously, and still have lost her? It's impossible to absorb or understand. Harder still to accept. I look at photographs and can't imagine that all that life and love and energy has vanished. There were always two sides to her: the cerebral, quick-thinking doctor...and then, there was the sensitive, artistic talent that she held back... She would surprise us every once in a while... She played and sang a beautiful song on a piano at a bar some of us went to one night after a hard day at work... We were all in awe of her, because she had never done anything like that in front of us before... She had spirit and fire in her that night, which is something we rarely saw in her last few months... Through her eyes, I saw her darkest hours, and brightest lights and brilliant sunsets... I feel as though I've lost a piece of my heart, and myself... _

_"Now, the world is a lesser place without her, and I don't think we realize what we've lost. We're lucky to know her...and I hope she found what she was looking for... We're incredibly proud of her, as a woman, a doctor, and a human being... she's a hero to all of us, and to all those who know her. She accomplished so much, and had so many victories, even after the tough hand life dealt her... _

_"We will not leave her here. We will take her away with us in our hearts. She will always be next to us in a thousand ways. We can't lose that, or pry it from ourselves, or give it away. She belongs to us, and we belong to her, because of the hearts we gave each other, the years, the tears, the defeats, the victories, the endless joys we all shared. We can't lose that, or her. Ever. _

_"And I know, or at least I hope, that in time we will laugh again, live again. I hope that wonderful things will happen to us, and when they do, I know I'll want to tell her about it, and I'll miss her more than ever. It's a cycle of longing for her that will not be easily broken... _

_"I know in my heart that, in time, we'll all get to see her again when we get to...wherever it is that she is now..."_ She pauses. _"We love you." _

She keeps her eyes to the casket for a moment; then, she slowly walks back to her place and watches the dark wood again––her eyes burn with anguish and anger, slightly red.

Everyone is touched by Abby's thoughtful eulogy, and they know that she's right; Robin was a person like no other. They feel fragile, like the slightest movement would shatter them all into a million pieces. Abby's speech has lifted the heaviness that had surrounded everyone, but still, there is a feeling of longing and mourning that rests upon their shoulders. They know that the shock of Robin's death will gradually disappear over time. Missing her never will.

_(The music ends.)_

------------------------------

_Whenever I needed someone to talk to _

_You were always there _

_My eyes filled with tears, my heart filled with pain, and _

_You were always there _

_There was no time when I had doubt to come to you because _

_You were always there _

_I could see in your eyes you wanted to help, and that you really cared _

_Whenever I was down and blue _

_You were always there _

_No matter what my problems, or what was wrong _

_You were always there _

_Whenever I felt like nothing mattered _

_You were always there _

_Now you're gone, and I don't know what to do _

_I close my eyes and think of you, and how _

_You were always there _

_It's hard to look at pictures, and get memories of you _

_Can you hear me now _

_At night I pray, and I speak to you _

_I guess you were right when you told me no matter how far you were _

_You would always be there _

_I know one day I'll see you again, but till then I have to say goodbye _

_Even though it hurts to hear your name, and speak of you _

_One thing I will always say is _

_You were always there _

Zac (?) – "You Were Always There"

------------------------------

Suddenly, a small breeze blows by and it carries with it an aura of release and serenity. You see Robin standing slightly behind the priest, who is continuing on with his blessings––but you cannot hear him. She is donning her long, black winter coat once again, and she doesn't have an umbrella; the rain continues to fall, but it doesn't seem to touch her––her hair is soft and dry, gently moving in the breeze. She listens to the priest as he moves his hand in the air, making the form of a cross, "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. May ye rest in peace... Amen."

Many of her friends and relatives wipe tears from their faces, and Robin stares at her own resting place––her grin slightly disappears and she breathes in deeply. She looks down at her feet; then, as she raises her gaze to everyone gathered around, her smile returns and she watches them with content.

Her eyes finally rest on Abby, who wipes away more tears.

Suddenly, something dark catches Abby's eye and she looks over near the priest quickly; she doesn't know that she's looking directly at Robin, but nonetheless, she know that she's there––through some kindred connection. With a sudden wave of comfort, she grins and breathes in deeply––keeping her eyes on the empty space from where the familiar spirit seems to radiate. Abby knows that no one is alone here; she feels the way she did the night she went home, after hearing that Robin was still missing––that Robin was there by her side. Her tears turn from those of sorrow to those of tranquility and hope; she's here, but not here...gone, but not gone.

Maggie sees her daughter's abrupt change in personality and questions, "Abby, what's going on, are you alright?" Abby nods her head and looks at her, "Yeah...she's here."

Her mother is taken by surprise and wonders, "How do you know?"

Abby glances at the ground quickly, then, back up, "I can feel her...she's here."

Gallant stands behind the two women, dressed in his military uniform––out of respect (as he did at Dr. Greene's funeral). He stares at the casket and admits, "I can feel her, too...I thought I was the only one."

Robin stands for several minutes, listening to everyone say that they can feel her spirit with them––a heavenly smile crosses her face as she is humbled by how close she actually was to her friends. She would do anything for them, no questions asked––everyone would do the same for her.

She turns her head up to the overcast sky, looking through the fine rain, and grins. She sets her gaze back on the crowd––her eyes moving from face to face. She lets out a silent chuckle; and after she pauses, she mouths the word, "Bye,"––her expression filled with confidence.

Slowly, Robin turns and walks away––strolling down the row of graves. In a way, she doesn't want to leave them, but she knows that she has to. She has put her wing out and around them, protecting them to the extent that she could from life's hurts and their own turbulent lives. In times of crisis, she drew her wing around them even tighter. She made it clear to them that if they needed her, no matter where she was, she would be there for them. In her letter, she told everyone that she would always be there, and she means to keep that promise. She has loved and accepted them in an extraordinary way; her steadiness and kindness has sustained and saved them, but she's gone. Life—because of her, and despite her death—goes on. Her friends and family must press on without her.

Robin slows down and stops suddenly, looking down at the damp ground in front of her; her eyes slowly move to the side and her head follows, as she turns at her waist to look over her shoulder. She feels the presence of an intense young girl, a melancholic and enraged young woman, and ultimately, a volatile, disturbed, and morbid young doctor; these memories she is leaving behind. With one last moment, she silently says goodbye with a smile; she turns back and takes a deep breath, knowing she must walk on. And so she does––putting her hands in the pockets of her coat and her past to rest. Her tears have stopped falling.

------------------------------

_But grief, fortunately, is very different from depression: it is sad, it is awful, but is not without hope. _

Kay Redfield Jamison – _An Unquiet Mind_

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**

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**

**-Part 20- **

**"Goodbye to All That" **

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_You never really leave a place you love. Part of it you take with you, _

_leaving a part of yourself behind._

------------------------------

_(The music played during Dr. Greene's funeral in season 8's _"On the Beach" _plays throughout the scene.) _

The door to the suture room opens slowly and Robin makes her way into the hall––now dressed in her white lab coat and green scrubs; not a scratch can be seen on her face; her arms—although covered by the lab coat sleeves—bare no mark of her self-inflicted pain; and her limp––slight as it was––is now gone.

She peers into Trauma 2 as she walks by, then, Trauma 1. She passes the nurses' station, scans Curtain 2, and walks into the main hallway. She comes across the elevators, the staircase, and Curtain 3; grinning, Robin turns and walks back to the hall.

Coming up to the admit area, Robin stops at the edge of the main desk and takes everything in. Since she was a medical student, these halls and these rooms have been her second home; it's offered her comfort, a place to go, and a second family. She has spent some of her finest hours here in this hospital. Even with the hazards of the job, and the chaos, this ER has been a refuge for her; a home; a place she's come to love.

Out of the corner of her eye, Robin sees the patient board. She walks up to it and sees her name under the "Treating Physician" column; there are no patients, no complaints, no tests to order, no room numbers––only her name, "Shepherd", in the middle of the board. Robin takes the eraser and wipes her name off the board with a sense of accomplishment; a sharp breath escapes her as she puts the eraser down and takes a step back. She looks at the charts stacked up on the desk, the numerous folders and forms on the shelves; then, suddenly, something changes. Her eyebrows sink as a confused grin appears on her face. Her head turns slowly to her left and she looks over her shoulder––she smiles a heavenly smile and she turns around, feeling uplifted.

As you turn in the direction that Robin's looking, four people come into view––her co-workers that have tragically passed away since she begin working here over eleven years ago: Dennis Gant, Lucy Knight, Mark Greene, and Robert Romano. They, too, are dressed in their white coats and scrubs, and they stand in front of the security doors side by side, happy to see her.

Robin slowly walks out from behind the desk and over to her friends. They each greet her with a smile and an embrace, including Romano––whose prosthetic left arm is no longer there; it is the way it was before his accident. His arm is normal again.

Gant reaches over and hits the button that opens the doors; the five of them amble into Chairs, where Robin stares at a sea of familiar faces from her past.

Mrs. Jody O' Brian, who died in 1995 of preeclampsia while giving birth to her first and only child. Sam Gasner, who went into heart failure; he had chatted with everyone who cared for him that night, about his life and family; he had spoken to his wife and daughter shortly before he died. Paramedic Raul Melendez, who was trying to rescue a little girl from a burning apartment building––he was badly burned and later succumbed to his injuries. Several elderly rape victims stand together, grateful for everything the staff did to try and save their lives––this happened in 1998, when the city was traumatized by a serial rapist. A young man by the name of Duncan Stewart, who attempted to rob a local store with his cousin, James; he killed the owner after the man shot James; he was later shot himself as he and Carol Hathaway––who was a hostage––tried to escape. Doug Ross' father, Ray, stands close-by; he was killed in California after he ran a stop sign and caused a car accident. Next to him stands Mark's parents, David and Ruth; his mother died from a heart attack, and his father died of complications from lung cancer and pneumonia. Mr. and Mrs. Connally, an elderly couple who passed within just weeks of each other––Mrs. Connally died the night Carter and Lucy were stabbed. Valerie Paige died after she developed an infection from a donor heart she'd received; she was Lucy's patient, and Robin helped supervise. Bishop Stuart passed away from complications of lupis and diabetes in late 2000; even though he was Luka's patient and changed his life, he changed Robin's, as well––he knew about her depression, and so he counseled her as much as he could in his last weeks––as he did for Luka. Ben Hollander, who stands next to the bishop, was a patient of Susan's not too long ago and killed himself because of his worsening blindness and depression. Peter Benton's mother and his nephew, Jessie Robbins––who was shot in a gang-related attack––are among them. A young girl stands near the bishop; she had come into the ER with a suspected case of smallpox, along with her brother, who survived; Robin was one of the staff members who helped care for them, and was quarantined with her friends. Carter's grandparents, John and Millicent, stand among the crowd; Robin had met them both several times over the years.

Suddenly, Robin notices a boy standing with Carter's relatives––she's never seen him before, but realizes how much he looks like Carter; it's his brother, Bobby––who died of leukemia when they were both children. She has heard Carter talk about him so many times, but she's never even seen a picture of him. Even so, she feels as though she's known Bobby as long as she's known Carter.

This is not a goodbye, but a warm welcome for a lonely soul. They have watched the haunted, talented young doctor from afar, as she struggled with anything and everything in her life. Grief had ambushed her and almost destroyed her. They're relieved to finally see her at peace.

Robin looks over as her four co-workers move toward the ambulance bay doors, stopping to wait for her. She glances back to the small crowd of friends and takes another moment with them; a smile stretches across her face and she slowly ambles to the doors. As the doors slide open and the five of them begin to leave, she takes one last look at everyone, as if to say, "Thank you."

Outside, the five friends start their stroll through the ambulance bay as the doors shut behind them. Robin takes in some air and breathes a confident sigh, looking down and letting a soft laugh escape her. The mother figure of the ER staff has come home.

You watch as the doctors walk farther away from you; the gentle rain has stopped, and you see their reflections in the small puddles on the pavement. They all five walk side by side––Mark, Dennis, Robin, Lucy, and Robert; the soft glow from the lights grows brighter as they near the street. Even though they're gone, these five people have left a great legacy here at County General Hospital; they will always be remembered in the hearts and minds of their friends and families. They will still be there for them, even though they have passed on. Their shadows will remain.

As the five reach the pale blue-lit street, they slowly disappear into the night.

_(The song comes to an end as the scene fades to black.) _

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_In my end is my beginning. _

Mary, Queen of Scots

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**_Well, there it is everyone! That's the end of Reckoning! I just want to thank all of you who've read this story, it feels really great to know that people are reading and liking it. I'll post another story soon---keep an eye out for me! _**

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**_Dr. Robin_**


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